out with the OLD,in with the NEW

Dear 2010,

This has been quite a year. I would say it was a year of readjustment, discovery, and realism. It was about finding who I am as a person recovered from an eating disorder and not just as someone living in recovery. As always, there were many ups and downs along with tears of sadness and laughs of joy. I may not have accomplished all I set out to do, but I am positive I kicked ass at what I did accomplish. I have learned that life is what you make it out to be and not something that just happens. I have learned that other people will always let you down, but I will never let myself down. I have learned that being “friends” with people also in “recovery” does not work and that finding friends who are interested in life more than therapy are the ones I want to be around. Overall, I learned how to live in the real world. I have discovered that even though I am recovered life still sucks sometimes. People die, lose their jobs, and run out of money. People will let you down and do terrible things to you. I will be hated for things that I didn’t do or for the wrong reasons. But despite these things, good still reigns over evil. It is still better to take the high road (thanks Kyle Hughes!) than the low one, even if it doesn’t seem to get you anywhere. Truth is, it will. It may not be today or tomorrow or 20 years from now, but one day it will.

Last year I took the time to list all the important events that helped shape 2009. I think I’ll skip those this year because deep down I know what made a difference. There is no need to dwell on the past when I have the present to live in and the future to plan for. Instead I’d like to share what I hope for myself and my friends in the year to come.

1. More laughs and fewer tears.
2. Less work and more play. (Or better yet work that is in and of itself play.)
3. Doing the right thing even if it means losing friends, enemies, or jobs.
4. Living in the moment.
5. Doing something you’ve always wanted to do even if it is terrifying.
6. More love and less hate.
7. Reaching out to someone you don’t know.
8. Speak up.
9. Try to understand the people you dislike.
10. Above all, be true to who YOU are and don’t change for anyone else.

I took the next paragraph from last year’s letter because I think it still applies…it probably always will. Even if I have accomplished these things in 2010, I hope to continue on in 2011.

I am committed to the process and to staying true to myself. I will stand my ground and be firm in my beliefs. I will love myself unconditionally and let others love me as well. I will let my guard down and be silly. I will be open to change and embrace it willingly. I will do one thing every day that scares me. I will be passionate about something, anything. I will make a difference. I will choose happiness. I will play more. I will be hopeful. I will laugh more. I will live in the moment, but plan for the future. I will accept the things I cannot change. I will be assertive. I will move on. I will choose to look for the positives in life. I will understand that my family cannot be what I want. I will let go. I will keep myself accountable. I will live by the three pillars. I will cry when I am sad. I will tell the people I love how much they mean to me.

I will live!

Here's to new beginnings and new endings.

Here's to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Here's to faith, family, and friends.

Here's to hope.

Love,

Kat

What Really Matters

In the end all I have is me. That’s it. Me. Myself. And I. If I’m not happy with who I am, then where will I be when that day comes?

I have heard this saying said many different ways and from many different people. I agree with it wholeheartedly, but I’m not sure if I really live it out in my day to day life. Sure, I like myself. I guess. I like myself a heck of a lot more than I ever did, so to me that’s an improvement. But deep down do I really love the person I’ve become? Would I stand next to everything I say or do or feel?

Probably not.

Over the past year and a half I have made some pretty big leaps and bounds in my life. I have done things no one thought were possible…not even me. But I have also become bitter and resentful in many areas of my life. People piss me off way too much or things happen that I have no control over. I get angry and I never let go.
Is this the person I want to be? No. That much I know. But what I don’t know is how to change. When I was sick I was never this bitter. I hated people, sure, but that’s because I hated everything. It wasn’t specifically for something they did or didn’t do, it just was. Now, I am just angry.

Someone told me recently that I remind her of a burnt-out therapist. What did I say in response to that? “True story…”

So now that I know what it is how do I fix it? I have a hard time being okay with people looking past me like I don’t exist. I have a hard time with people not recognizing the progress I’ve made and then turning around and giving recognition to someone else who hasn’t really done anything. I keep telling myself that I don’t need people like that and that I am proud of my accomplishments no matter what. I am proud, but I would like someone else to be proud too.

Just today I was at the pumpkin patch with my brother and his family. My 3-year-old niece is not the best eater, but when asked what she wanted to eat she told her mom she wanted a hot dog. My sister-in-law told me she had never eaten a hot dog before and she didn’t even know that she liked them. You know what? My niece ate the whole thing. But really the point of this story is that her mom leaned over and told her how proud she was of her. You should have seen that little girl’s face light up.

That’s all I want. That’s all anyone wants. To be looked at and recognized for something great we did. It could be something small or something big; it doesn’t really matter if someone else notices.

But I can’t make someone else tell me they are proud. I can’t even make someone else notice I’m alive. All I can do is be the person I want to be recognized for every second of every day….then at least I can be proud of who I am.

So at the end of today, think back and decide if you were happy with the person you were. If not, change it. You have all the power in the world.

one.step.at.a.time

I haven’t written since the end of August… It is now October and the smell of fall is in the air. Time to get writing!!!

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. It is a season of change and couldn’t we all use a little change in our lives? I know I could.

This season has brought about many changes for me: Living at home.A new boyfriend.Being the caretaker for my mother.A new job.Pondering a career change.Thinking about writing a book. All of these things have both positive and negative effects as all events of change do. Sometimes we don’t know how to feel about something that seems so great, but yet brings us so much stress.

Take the career change…
I have been thinking for awhile that I may not want to be a teacher for the
rest of my life. Shocking, huh? It was for me too. Don’t get me wrong…I love
kids and I definitely like the job I have right now, but something is
missing.

Passion.

It’s as simple as that. My passion is not what it once was. I keep asking myself, “What if I’m meant to do so much more?” And in my mind, if I am asking myself that question than there must be something else out there for me. But in thinking about all of the greatness I could accomplish in this new endeavor, I also think about how many things could go wrong. What if I fail? What if I don’t have the money to go back to school? What if I never find something I’m passionate about? What if…{You fill in the blank.}

Someone told me recently that I have so many great ideas and instead of taking them one step at a time, I get so overwhelmed that I do nothing. As much as I wanted to disagree with her, I couldn’t. She was absolutely right. I want to do so much and be amazing at so many things that I forget the here and now. I forget that my life is passing me by while I plan and plan and plan my life in my head.

So today’s the day I stop. Today I’ll live for today and realize that my lifelong career plan, or life plan for that matter, will not get worked right now. That’s not to say that I can’t take small steps to make the changes I want to me. It just means I don’t have to do it all. As a friend of mine used to say, “Gray is my favorite color.”

So remember this quote from one of my first entries…
“But the truth is, it’s not the size of the event.place.thing.idea that makes the difference, it’s the size of the feeing it gives you when you do it. A positive.negative.unknown feeling, it doesn’t matter, as long as it makes you feel meaningful. I think they call it passion.”

I’ll make it there….I’m sure of it. It will just take a little more soul-searching, persistence, and taking it one.step.at.a.time.

Cooler Than Me

You got designer shades just to hide your face
And you wear them around like you're cooler than me.
And you never say hey or remember my name.
Its probably cuz, you think you're cooler than me.

You got your high brows; shoes on your feet,
And you wear them around like they ain’t shit.
But you don’t know the way that you look
when your steps make
That

Much

Noise.


To the people who have hurt me, never believed in me, or just looked past me like I didn’t matter:

…This is for you.

I used to think you were the ones who mattered. The ones who would decide if I would be good enough. The ones that I wanted to be like. I lived to impress you because I thought I would find me through you. I thought I could disguise myself so well that I would transform into something great when I was around you. I thought I would have friends and loves and fun.

I was wrong.

You were the ones that helped me to lose myself even more. You were the ones who pretended to like me or put up with me because you thought you had to. No one wanted to be the reason why I hurt myself.

I am not here to blame or to judge. We were young and naïve. We didn’t know any better…or did we? I guess we’ll never know. And truly, I don’t really want to know. I want to believe that we were just stupid back then.

Truthfully, I am somewhat thankful for my past. It has been a long hard road to get me to where I am today, but I wouldn’t be me without it. I wouldn’t know who I want to be without meeting the people I know I don’t want to be like. I think we learn that the most…what we don’t want to be.

Now I know that I don’t want to be hurtful, judgmental, passive, or jealous. I don’t want to be a show-off. I don’t want to be someone I’m not. I just want to be Kat. The girl who loves life. The girl who wants to be something amazing when she grows up, but won’t kill herself trying to be perfect. I want to love and be loved, wear a bathing suit in public, laugh, scream, cry, and dance. I want to live with purpose and walk with intention. I just want to matter. And I do. But not because some one likes me or hates me or talks to me or doesn’t. I matter because I am human. Because I have the chance to wake up every day and do something different than the last.

So next time you pretend like you don’t know me (or someone else for that matter), remember that I am a person too. I matter just as much as you do. And do me a favor… just take a step back for a minute and think about how you look. Think about what a bitch you look like for doing what you’re doing. But also remember that I really don’t care anymore. I have moved on and am living my life while you are worried about ignoring me.


But you don’t know the way that you look
when your steps make
That

Much

Noise.

Shh.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

When I woke up this morning I didn’t know what I was in for—we never do. We get up, shower, dress, beautify ourselves for the world, hope that no one notices our flaws or body, and walk out the door ready (or not) for the day. We hope it turns out for the best, but in reality it could be the worst day of our lives. The only thing we can do to prepare is to live life to the absolute fullest… Take every chance that is given, say yes when you would have said no, laugh, cry, scream if that’s what you have to do to show that you have passion. But most of all, be true to yourself and be genuine to those around you. I think that’s all anyone can ever ask of themselves.

For me, today started out rough. I got up early to prepare for my new work schedule that begins next week. I had every intention of staying awake and doing something productive, but that didn’t happen. I fell back asleep and woke up later than usual, causing me to have to rush in the self-care practices I have put into place to keep me functioning. Then I found out that my clothes never magically made it into the dryer and I didn’t have any of my favorite clothes to wear to work. I was stuck in either dress clothes or jeans that are uncomfortable and not really the right size. I opted for the jeans. On the way to work I hit every construction zone and red light imaginable. Needless to say, I was late.

After a lot of toy putting-together and a 3.5 hour training that meant nothing to me, I was exhausted. I felt “fat” in my jeans, which led me to feel angry about my body, weight, size, etc. All of this angst was escalated by traffic on the way to more appointments and feeling rushed again. By this time I was pretty caught up in myself and my own problems. Now you have to realize that this isn’t very difficult for me to do. I get worked up about things pretty easily, especially when I feel unheard and unappreciated.

When I walked into my group tonight, I again didn’t know what I was in for. Usually, I end up leaving these appointments more angry/sad/bitter than when I came and am beginning to question if it is even worth it. But that is a story for another time… I thought it would be the usual check-in to see how everybody is and I was ready to say that I was doing fine and then move on. I was ready to throw my chance of speaking up and saying how I feel out the window just to regret it later. So instead…

I said it.

Just like that I said how I felt. It took a lot of reassuring myself in my head, but I did it because I knew it would be worse if I didn’t. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Someone would be mad at me. I think at this stage in the game if I can’t handle someone being mad at me than I haven’t come as far as I thought. Of course, what I wanted to say didn’t come out exactly the way I wanted it to, but then again, I don’t think it ever will. Most people always think of something better to say after they’ve said it, but that doesn’t stop everyone from saying how they feel.

For me, this step was huge. It may not seem like a lot, but it was. It’s so amazing how something so small can change someone’s outlook that much. You know what? After I talked about how I was feeling and just put all my cards out on the table, I felt much better about my day.

Life isn’t about choosing whether to wear a swimsuit in public or not. Life is about being pissed off and scared shitless to put that bathing suit on, but doing it anyway because you know it will be worth it. In 10 years no one is going to remember what I looked like in my bathing suit on August 23rd, 2010.


I guarantee it.


So whatever your bathing suit is, I challenge you to put it on this week. Love who you are for a moment. And let me know how it goes.

Where to Begin?

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you could almost feel it? Feel that overwhelming feeling that comes over you when you finally have everything that you have ever wanted? That moment in time when the world stops and you feel complete?

To me that is the best feeling in the world. It is the moment when I feel like all my hard work has paid off. The moment when I can breathe that sigh of relief and know that I have accomplished one more thing on this journey called life.

For me, that feeling has been lacking. I feel like I have been working so hard to get my life together, but no one sees it. I get pushed because I have “more potential” than others so therefore need to work harder. But each time I exceed those expectations the bar is raised again.

When will it be my turn to succeed? To be recognized for all this hard work I have done?

As hard as it is to say and feel in my heart, I think the answer has to come from me.

Today I got some perspective on this issue. Okay, actually I got everything I said previously thrown back in my face. At first, I was angry that I wasn’t being heard (again) and ready to close the door on that relationship, but then I did some carthinking (thinking while in the car, driving…the best place for it). I realized that what I was being told was exactly right. Maybe it’s me that needs to do the recognizing. Maybe it’s me that has to be the main character in the movie that finally steps up. (Thanks, Chloe & E). As always, I have the key to my own destiny, so to speak, and I can make it whatever the heck I want it to be.

Just because so-and-so is doing such-and-such and I am not does NOT mean that I am not good enough. Just because they get to be on TV does NOT mean that I am any farther behind. It just means that it wasn’t meant to be. Something else bigger and better is coming along and when it is my “turn,” it will be amazing because I waited that much longer.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It’s about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice.”

This is the quote on my desktop background. I look at it everyday, several times a day, but I forget to apply it. I can be angry about what I didn’t get to do. I can scream and cry and break down. But in the midst of all that I can still be excited and happy and anxious for what lies ahead because it will be worth the wait. Plus I have a lot of good in my life right now. I have a great job that I love, I have a best friend who means the world to be, I am living the life I never thought I could have. The list goes on and on.

But I think it is still important for me to remember that I can be angry. I don’t always have to be the strong, positive, happy one. Those things will always be there and I won’t let anything take those away from me. Anger is an emotion with a beginning, middle, and end. There is an end.

So really, I AM angry.

But I am also damn proud of myself for all the work I have done. And even though others aren’t recognizing it in the way I want them to, I am.

I am good enough for myself and really, in the long run, that’s all that matters.

Limitations

Tonight we were talking about limitations. The limitations we put on ourselves. The limitations others put on us. And the limitations that society implies on a daily basis. This got me thinking of the limitations.excuses.justifications that I tell myself constantly. I think we all do this to some degree and by the time we figure out what we are doing (if we realize at all) it is too late to go back. Now, I did not come up with this logic on my own and I do not want to take credit for what is not mine, but I do believe it one hundred percent, which is why I am writing about it. My challenge was to think about what I would not be afraid to do.say.think if I were back in kindergarten. I changed this a bit and challenged myself to write down all the limitations I give myself and then go through them one by one to change the way I look at the situation. So here goes…

1. I graduated from college with a 4.0, but I am not that smart….it was easy for me so it doesn’t count.
2. I am not going to do ______ because I don’t do that sort of thing.
3. I am not a writer or good a writing because I didn’t go to school for it.
4. I can only be a teacher because changing my career would be too much work and schooling.
5. I am a good person, but not that good.
6. Why would people want to be friends with me?
7. I can’t do _______ because I will fail.
8. I can’t say _______ because people will judge me, hate me, criticize me.
9. I can’t wear ______ because it doesn’t fit my body the right way.

I am sure there are more, but of course when I sit down to write I can’t think of any. But you understand my point.

We are all constantly battling this voice that gives a “but” or “because” to every statement that could be affirming to ourselves. It makes me so angry to not only realize that I do this to myself, but that other people do it to themselves as well. Or that the world teaches us to do these things from a very young age.

I think back to all the messages I have received (verbally and non-verbally) that have taught me how to act.speak.think in the “right” way. Who’s to say what is right or wrong? Who makes all the rules? I can proudly stand up and be confident when saying that I make the rules of my own life. I have the right to say.do.think.feel what I want to. Yes, I may make some poor decisions, say something that might offend someone, use a tone in which people react negatively to, or come across like a snob. And I may do this frequently, but it’s okay. If someone doesn’t like me because I say something completely appropriate and they take it in the wrong way…that is on them. If someone thinks I am a liar because I say I am a writer, but they don’t approve…I don’t need their approval.

I am my own person and I deserve to be here. I deserve to have a voice. I deserve to make mistakes choices others don’t approve of. I deserve to be Kat with no strings attached. And you deserve to be you.

What limitations.excuses.justifications will you leave out of your life today?

The Drive of Your Life

Most people say, “Life is what you make it.” You have the choice, the drive, the passion—whatever to make your life anything you want it to be. You are in the driver’s seat and only you know where you’re going. But what about those of us who are living life in the passenger’s seats? You know the type…backseat drivers, navigators, screaming children in the car seat, sullen teenagers tuned out from the rest of the car, people asking, “When are we gonna get there? I’m hungry. I have to use the bathroom. I think I’m going to be sick…”

I’m sure if I asked each and every one of you, you could all name someone in your life who fits each one of the descriptions I just mentioned. I know I can and I know that I would probably, at least some of the time, name myself as one of them. So, what does our place in the car say about us as people? I think this description about us speaks louder than words ever could. For example…


The Backseat Driver:
We all know at least one of these in our lives. You know, the mother who sits in the backseat and pretends not to care about what’s going on and then all of a sudden…she is screaming about how you are going too fast or you need be in a different lane, or “Can’t you hear that? Your turn signal is still on!” But then when you ask if she would like to drive {so she will just “shut up, already!”} she responds by saying something like, “Oh, no, you’re doing a great job.” Right…

These are the kind of people who direct everybody else’s lives, but not their own. They want to stand out from the crowd and take charge, but only when it pertains to someone else. I admit that I am one of these people. I am literally a backseat {or front seat or any-seat-in-the-car) diver in the car as well as in my life. It is always so easy to see the mistakes that others are making and to give advice {or demands, really) on how they can fix them. But personally, I HATE backseat drivers when I am driving. Who are you to tell me that I don’t know what I am doing? I think us backseat drivers just need a little focus and a little compassion for the people around us. We need to take that energy and put it into something to make our lives amazing.


The Navigator:
These are the people that we need in our lives. The people with the road map {or Mapquest directions or GPS} that let us know how to get to where we want to be. Navigators have a hard job. They have to know where we want to go, how long it will take to get there, how to read a map {or follow simple instructions}, and tell us where to turn at exactly the right time. They also have to put up with the drivers asking them a million questions and then hoping they have the right answers so they don’t get yelled at.

I like to think of the navigator as the driver’s best friend. The one she always counts on to be right there and ready for anything. The navigator is usually willing to be along for the ride and like what she is doing, even if she may not be so good at it. But the navigator is also the person who is too busy helping everyone else out to worry about herself. She is answering questions about other people’s lives and directing them to where they need to be. She is holding on to that control because she is afraid of trusting someone else to get the caravan to where they need to be. But what about her? Where is she going in her life? It can’t be much fun planning everyone else’s trips all the time without planning some for herself once in awhile. So to all you navigators out there…grab your own navigator and plan a fabulous trip somewhere that you really want to go and make them tell you how to get there. And about the control…try and let it go. Life is no fun without mistakes, adventure, and driving through the middle-of-nowhere without a clue as to where you are.


Screaming Children:
Now, I don’t have children of my own, but I have taken care of my share of kids. I know that when a small child does not get what he wants, he will be angry, and he will let you know. I also know that the car is a place where most children either fall asleep or scream because being strapped into a seat and given toys to play with is just not a desirable choice. Plus, the toys keep falling on the floor {okay, they were dropped…purposefully} and he needs a way of getting them back.

The screaming children in the car are the ones who will never be happy with what they have...ever. The grass is always greener on the other side and that grass isn’t as green as the grass 2 doors down. You get the picture. These people are too worried about what they don’t have that they forget what they do have. That child in the car seat has parents that love him, a car to get from place to place, toys, a home, friends, clothes; but all he can think about is that he is strapped into a seat and can’t get his toy off the floor. Obviously, at this age children cannot comprehend anything but this, but in life we adults can. Life is beautiful if you just look around and notice all you have. Make a list and you will see how great things are, even if life is crumbling around you. Plus, no one wants to hear you whine and complain. They might just drop you off on the side of the road…


Sullen Teenagers:
This is not to say that all teenagers are like this, but you know the type I am talking about. The ones that are wearing headphones with their music turned up as loud as they can tolerate, looking out the window, and conveying to everyone driving by that they are pissed at the world. They don’t answer when you try and talk to them and you can tell that they were dragged along because “this is a family vacation and you’re going to like it!”

I was probably one of these teenagers at some point in my life. I think a lot of us were. Too busy to spend time with our family because they “drive us crazy” and “our friends won’t like us if we don’t go to that party/concert/game.” The truth is, if they don’t like you for that then what kids of friend were they in the first place? Life is short. Too short to waste it being depressed over things that don’t really matter in the end. Spend time with the people who love you {and who you love}, make memories {good ones} to last a lifetime, and make the most about the situation you’re in. If you don’t like it, change it. If you can’t change it change how you look at it. It’s fascinating to see how life looks when you’re looking through glasses of a different color.


The Questioners:
Have you even been on a road trip with that bubbly 8-year-girl who can’t sit still? Who is so excited to get where you’re going that she can’t help but ask {a million times}”When are we gonna be there?” Can’t you just picture her in her pigtails, with her big toothy grin, about to bounce right off of her seat because she can’t contain herself? I know I can.

This type of people are cute {for awhile}. They seem to have so much fire inside and just can’t wait to get where they are going in life. But while they busy focusing on their destination, they are missing the journey. The scenery, the conversation, their favorite song playing on the radio. I heard a quote this morning said by John Lennon: “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” I think this quote fits perfectly. That little girl is so excited planning in her head what the trip will be like once they get there that she forgets that I trip began the minute she packed her suitcase, got in the car, and began driving. Stop planning. Enjoy the ride. And remember that the moments you spend in your head planning for the greatest adventure of your life are the ones you lose while you’re on that adventure.


So while I truly believe that life is what you make it, I also believe that life makes you. Your experiences mold you into the person you are in the present moment. Whether that be the Questioner, Navigator, or Sullen Teenager. The choices you make and the reactions you have to what life throws at you are what make you. So what are you waiting for? Load up the car, hop in the driver’s seat, and hit the road. Because driving the car of your own life is pretty sweet. You get to pick the people you ride with, the music you listen to, and how fast you go. :)

Hope

Tonight was supposed to be a very moving, emotional, hopeful evening, but I didn’t really get that feeling. Maybe I’m in a different place than most or maybe I’m just a bitch. Either way, I’m admitting it and that’s all that counts, right?

Anyway, tonight was about recovery, a subject that I am very passionate about and fought very hard for. It was about hope through grieving, loss, love, and strength. It was about community. It was about a community that I feel I have lost all ties to. A community in which I do not connect to as much as I think I should. A community that screams about acceptance and love, but doesn’t always practice what it preaches.

A lot of what I heard tonight was meant to be hopeful. It was about life after struggling for a long time and finally finding yourself. Loving yourself just the way you are, being imperfect, fighting for what you believe in….any positive message that could be given, was. But you know what was missing? Authenticity. Reality. Validity.

What I never heard anyone say was how hard life in and after recovery is. How things can be going perfectly and then all of a sudden your life gets turned upside down. I don’t believe that recovery fully begins until you can get through those hard times without resulting back to old patterns. Because, let’s be honest, anyone can be in recovery when life is great, but what happens when it isn’t? It takes a much stronger person to get up, face the hard stuff, and move on. And that’s the person I want to be.

Life is not always rainbows and butterflies. Life sucks. People die. Money runs out. Couples split up. Loved ones hurt us. We have to do things we don’t want to do because we have to. Bad things don’t stop happening just because you’re in recovery. But you know what? Without the suckage this wouldn’t be life. None of us would know joy and happiness without these things.

Don’t get me wrong, life is amazing. Great things happen all the time, even to you. But please don’t get the impression that evil takes a holiday, ever. It’s the choices you make when something bad happens in your life that counts. Those are the moments when you decide if you are going to stay in recovery or not. Those are the moments will change your life. So let them.

So, no, I didn’t get a lot out of tonight because I feel like the wrong message was being given. I feel that the hopeful message that I was looking for comes from a different set of people. The ones who can see the sunshine amidst the rain. The ones who let their choices change their lives.

For the better.

This is For Me.

Something happened to me today. Something that I want to shout from the rooftops, but will refrain from doing. Instead, I will blog. I will write about it until I am blue in the face (well, hands, I guess) because I can. And for once I don’t really care if anyone is listening because that’s not what it’s about. This is not about pride or attention or wishing that someone would notice me.

Nope.
Not at all.
This is for me.

Of course I could write about many things. I could write about the job I hate, the people who continually criticize me, the fact that my dad is not my father, and countless other negative things that are creating chaos in my life. I could whine and complain and pity myself until the cows come home, but I won’t.

No thanks. I think I’ll take a different spin on this.

I think I’ll write about something amazing. Something so profound, so earth-shattering, yet so small. Something that made my day, my week, maybe even my year. Something that I will remember forever.

So now you’re probably wondering what the big hype is… What could be so great that happened today? Because, let’s be honest, my life isn’t really that amazing.

Let me tell you….. It all began with a mirror.

For countless years I walked around obsessed with mirrors. And by obsessed I don’t mean “like.” Trust me, I wanted to get away. I wanted to just stop looking all together, to not care, but I couldn’t. Just like the scale, I used the mirror to determine my worth. How did I look? What about my hair? My skin? My eyebrows? Was it too fat? Too sunken in? Let me tell you I wanted to scream every time I looked. I always saw some imperfection, some flaw that made me ugly.

Eventually looking in the mirror also became a means of trying to find myself. Every time I looked I didn’t know who I saw. I was always the “girl with the eating disorder,” or the “fat girl,” or the “girl who always cried.” I was able to look past the imperfections, but only to see the pain, hurt, and suffering that was going on in my life. I didn’t know what a genuine smile looked like and I didn’t know how to connect with the person behind those eyes.

Even recently I have seen myself as Kat “the girl who is in recovery from an eating disorder.” Or Kat “the girl who sucks at her job and recovery and her life.” Or Kat “the girl with no real dad and a mom who only cares about her getting a job.” I could go on and on with the labels that I put upon myself. Yes, labels I put on myself. I believe no one can tell you who or what you are. Every time you see yourself as a certain label it is because YOU see that within yourself. YOU believe those messages from others, whether they are true or not. YOU choose to be seen that way. In the same light, YOU can take those labels away.

But I digress. I guess my point in all of this is that I continued to look in the mirror and used it as a judgment tool. Am I good enough? How do people perceive me?

You know what? WHO CARES?

Currently I am reading a book entitled “The Book of Awesome” by Neil Pasricha. As you can probably tell from the title…it is awesome. Basically, it is a book of simple pleasures, you might say. Things that we take for granted that really are awesome because we know how annoying it is when things that are awesome don’t happen quite as awesomely. For example, when a cashier opens a new line up and you are the first person in the new line. How many times has this happened to you? I am sure not enough, but really do you even remember? I don’t, but I know that when I am stuck in that really long check-out line and my frozen food is melting and the checker has to do a price check or grab a new item because the customer grabbed one without a tag, I am dying for that new lane to open. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is…

AWESOME!

Reading this book has gotten me to think of the awesome things that have gone on throughout my day that aren’t big, but make it more fun or give me a laugh or make me say… AWESOME!

I don’t really know how that ties back to the mirror thing, but just play along.

Today I was in the bathroom at work washing my hands, when I looked up. I glanced in the mirror, smiled, and saw it. For the first time I saw Kat.

Just Kat. K-a-t. No labels, no pain, no strings attached. Just me.

And you know what I thought…

This is absolutely AWESOME!

{Check it out! 1000awesomethings.com}

Trust: The Art of Balance

In trust there is a fine line between having too much and not having enough. In life, we are constantly battling to find that middle ground where we can trust another in the right circumstances at the right times. I have struggled with trust my entire life and wondered when I would finally learn the art of balance. I either trusted people too much—shared intimate details about my life with complete strangers just because they inquired—or I shut people out completely. I think I just wanted someone to care.

Now, I am faced with the issue of trust again. When posed with a question of what I trust and why in a particular group of people, I froze. My mind began racing. What is trust? How do I know that I trust these women? I don’t think I have all the answers, but I do think I have begun to explore this unknown territory without restraint.

What is trust?

By definition (or one of them, since I found 24) trust means “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., or a person or thing; confidence.” In other words, being certain that a person or thing is honest, ethical, strong, and reliable—I think. As nice as that is, I don’t really think the idea of trust can be wrapped up in a nice little box like that. Trust is messy. It’s kind of like going into your closet and trying on all of your clothes when nothing fits. All the clothes seem to end up on the floor and it takes you twice as long to sort out the mess you made. I find a lot of things in my life to be this way, which makes life more difficult, but definitely more interesting.

How do I know when I trust someone?

Good question. I don’t think I have quite figured that out yet. You see, I am a very open person. I will share almost anything with someone if they ask because I am not sure how to say, “It’s none of your business,” in a nice way. But I am also very good at shutting people out and putting up a front to show people how strong and put together I am. While some of the time I am that put together, other times I am not. Figuring out when I am genuinely okay has been a struggle for me, but I am finally realizing that it is okay to be happy and strong as well as sad, lonely, and disappointed.

So does sharing all the intimate details about my life with someone mean that I trust that person? I tend to think not. For me, I think trust is more like a feeling—a journey per se—not a tangible destination. Kind of like a warm, fuzzy, hot-chocolate-going-down-your-throat feeling inside when we know that the people we are sharing our stories with will not intentionally judge, hurt, or abandon us without warning. For me this is hard—like climbing Mt. Everest hard. I have been hurt, judged, and abandoned by more people than I can count, which makes the feeling of trust harder to recognize each time that trust is broken by someone. So while, from the outside, it may look like I trust many, looks can be deceiving. So to answer my own question…How do I know that I trust someone? Honestly, I.don’t.know.

Each day I am growing, changing, and learning. I am discovering that it is okay to have the expectation that people are trustworthy and that not everyone will hurt me I the end. But that takes time. Think of a toddler learning to walk. She cannot start running on the first day. She must begin by leaning on objects/people for support. Then, gradually, she may take a few steps on her own, but will inevitably fall down. She may cry and be scared to get back up, but in her own time she always does. She takes comfort in knowing that there are others, who are older and more experienced, who are there to help her and to cheer her on. And just as every child takes her own time in learning to walk, we all take our own time to begin to trust someone. It may take a few minutes, a few days, or a few years and there will definitely be people along the way that we know we will never be able to trust.

So I guess, for me, I am learning to walk when it comes to trust. I am slowly pulling myself up to stand on my own and I know I will get there in time. It might not be to day—and you know what? I am perfectly fine with going slow and feeling my way through this thing called trust.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful...

A foolish girl once said that you know when you’re in recovery. That when you get there you will never go back. You will pick yourself up every time you fall. You will be amazingly, amazing (if that’s at all possible). And you will shine.

That girl was me.

Now I know the truth. I now know that even though recovery is an amazing place to be. It’s not actually a place. It’s a journey. There are times when you will plow forward running, not walking. And there will be times when you will take two baby steps forward and one gigantic step back. You will feel happy and alone and unappreciated all at the same time. And through it all you will wonder what is wrong with you because now you know what happiness; true, genuine happiness feels like.

I thought this would be it for me; that I would never struggle again. I looked down upon those who kept holding on and pretended they were okay. I looked them in the eye when they said they didn’t know what to do and told them that they did, but didn’t want to do it. I was one of those people who I despise. The people who think they are better than everyone because truly, I thought I was. I thought I had overcome this obstacle that life/God/the universe had thrown me, but little did I know that there was more to come. There is always more to come. And right now I honestly don’t know what to do.

Have you ever heard that song with the lyrics “the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time?” I have been listening to that song a lot lately and I truly believe there is a huge lesson to be learned. Everything that has brought me here has made me the person I am today. I am stronger, wiser, and happier because of the struggle, change, and time that I have gone through. And I know a month, a year, or 10 years from now I will be saying the same thing about this time in my life.

I am not perfect. And I no longer believe that I can have a perfect recovery--I can only have my own. I can choose to wake up each day and be happy to be alive or I can cry for all the things that aren’t going so well. And even on those days when I choose to be sad, I can still get up, take a breath, put one foot in front of the other, and tell myself that even if I don’t know what to do, everything will be okay. I will get there when the time is right.

At the beginning of the year, I made a Post-it wall. I wrote down things that I wanted to be mindful of throughout the year, things I wanted to accomplish. One of them is to apologize. I am not very good at admitting when I am wrong or when I have made a mistake. I try to avoid the situation or lie to make someone else look like they are to blame. I think I lie to myself the most. I hate getting constructive criticism and tell myself that people don’t really know what my life is like. That I am doing my best and that’s all I’ve got. But the truth is there is always room for self-improvement and this is my first step in that direction.

To everyone that I have lied to, told to suck it up, rolled my eyes at for the mere fact that you didn’t know “what to do,” I’m sorry. I have learned that life “ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.” And I’ve learned that sometimes you fall and it takes a long time to get back up, but sometimes just wanting to get back up is the first step.

We are all amazingly, amazing. We are all shining.
Even through the darkest times in life.

Facebook: Friend or Foe (Or should I say "Unfriend")

Main Entry: facebook
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a school yearbook
Usage: informal
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Main Entry: facebook
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a publication for an organization, such as a school or business, which helps members identify each other; also, an online version of this, with profiles including a picture, name, birthdate, interests, etc. FACEBOOK is a registered trademark of Facebook, Inc.
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Facebook. It used to just be a school yearbook. Now, it is the latest fad. A place where people can connect with their old high school friends, lost lovers, or perhaps find their Thursday night Cabana Charley’s waiter. It has become an obsession. And I have been caught up in it.

But you already know this, so what’s the big deal? Why do I care so much? The big deal is me and how this “social networking” site has impacted my life. For better or worse, you ask? That’s for you to decide…

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As you know, in the beginning (when I first joined) Facebook was only for college students. It was used as a way to network with other college students attending your college or with students from around the country. Since then it has been opened to anyone 13 years of age or older. But, of course, there is no lie detector and it is relatively easy to lie about your age. You just change the birth year…

Now, Facebook is a place to brag about the latest happenings in your life or to let people know that you want to kill yourself and hope that that one person will notice. Seriously. I would know, I have done both.

This site has become more than “social networking.” It has become a Burn Book. You know, like in the movie Mean Girls. It’s a place where any thing goes….the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one really censors themselves anymore. Even though their grandmothers, aunts, uncles, church members, parents, and future employers could be reading.

There is a feature where you can go back and read all your status updates from the past year…Wow. I looked at mine and was floored. No joke. I think the words that came out of my mouth were, “No wonder people thought I was crazy.” I had no censor. I thought that this was one way that I could get the attention and help I desperately needed. But did it really help? Nope. It just got me locked up for my own good. Not exactly what I was looking for.

I guess the whole purpose of this entry is to look at what your motivations are. Why do you use Facebook or other sites of the sort? Are you doing it to play Farmville? Send people Bumper Stickers? Stalk an ex? Find out if your crush is single? Check up on your children? Look at drunken pictures? Connect with an old high school friend? Find the latest hook-up or party? Inspire people? Bring people down? Ask for help? Ignore your own problems by focusing on some one else’s?

Whatever your reason, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is, if you are spending your free time on Facebook worrying about other people’s lives, than you probably aren’t spending enough time worrying about and LIVING your own.

Pure Michigan

As you probably already noticed (and questioned) the title of my blog is What's Your Michigan? It took me a few days, a lot of sleep, and plenty of coffee to finally settle on this name. I think it fits nicely. As you read, I think it will become apparent why I chose the title I did.

A very wise woman once told me that I should go to Michigan. Just get up and go. Pack a lunch, get in the car and just drive until I reach that state that the commercials call Pure Michigan. I never really understood her fascination with Michigan, nor did I ever want to travel there. I am very comfortable in my little box of a life and I like it the way it is. I have never been much for travel or spontaneity and prefer to stay in on a Friday night. So when the topic of conversation changed to both, I basically tuned out. But as she kept talking about her recent adventure to that great state, I began to listen and entertain the possibility that maybe going to Michigan wasn’t such a bad idea. The adventure of the drive, the solitude of the beach, and the taste of independence that the trip gave her sounded amazing. Taking a day off from life to just be with myself, my thoughts, and nature wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe it would even give me the motivation I needed to push forward a little more. And hey, maybe I would learn something new in the process.

I haven’t taken that trip yet and who knows, maybe I never will, but maybe, just maybe she wasn’t just talking about Michigan. Maybe she was talking about the feeling that it gave her. The feeling of peace, adventure, and spontaneity all rolled into one. Maybe she was asking me to look inside myself and discover what Michigan meant for me.

The past few days, I have been trying to define my Michigan. I have been trying to uncover what event.place.thing.idea that would give me those same feelings. And I think I have found it.

Writing.

That’s it. Just the act of putting my thoughts.ideas.words onto paper. I never really thought that the answer would be so simple. I thought that I needed to find something elaborate to put my time and energy to, like going on a road trip. But the truth is, it’s not the size of the event.place.thing.idea that makes the difference, it’s the size of the feeing it gives you when you do it. A positive.negative.unknown feeling, it doesn’t matter, as long as it makes you feel meaningful. I think they call it passion.

So the next time you hear the Pure Michigan commercial, stop. Take a breath. Listen. Hop in your car. Drive. And don’t stop until you get there.

Michigan.

Because in the end this is the only life you get. Find what makes it meaningful. And then drive like hell until you’ve found it.

What's your Michigan?

Inspiration

E is amazing. She has spunk. She is wise beyond her years. She is my person. Everyone has a person. You know, someone who "gets" you and inspires you to be great. Or at least encourages you to get off your ass and get on with your life. E is the inspiration for this blog.