out with the OLD,in with the NEW

Dear 2010,

This has been quite a year. I would say it was a year of readjustment, discovery, and realism. It was about finding who I am as a person recovered from an eating disorder and not just as someone living in recovery. As always, there were many ups and downs along with tears of sadness and laughs of joy. I may not have accomplished all I set out to do, but I am positive I kicked ass at what I did accomplish. I have learned that life is what you make it out to be and not something that just happens. I have learned that other people will always let you down, but I will never let myself down. I have learned that being “friends” with people also in “recovery” does not work and that finding friends who are interested in life more than therapy are the ones I want to be around. Overall, I learned how to live in the real world. I have discovered that even though I am recovered life still sucks sometimes. People die, lose their jobs, and run out of money. People will let you down and do terrible things to you. I will be hated for things that I didn’t do or for the wrong reasons. But despite these things, good still reigns over evil. It is still better to take the high road (thanks Kyle Hughes!) than the low one, even if it doesn’t seem to get you anywhere. Truth is, it will. It may not be today or tomorrow or 20 years from now, but one day it will.

Last year I took the time to list all the important events that helped shape 2009. I think I’ll skip those this year because deep down I know what made a difference. There is no need to dwell on the past when I have the present to live in and the future to plan for. Instead I’d like to share what I hope for myself and my friends in the year to come.

1. More laughs and fewer tears.
2. Less work and more play. (Or better yet work that is in and of itself play.)
3. Doing the right thing even if it means losing friends, enemies, or jobs.
4. Living in the moment.
5. Doing something you’ve always wanted to do even if it is terrifying.
6. More love and less hate.
7. Reaching out to someone you don’t know.
8. Speak up.
9. Try to understand the people you dislike.
10. Above all, be true to who YOU are and don’t change for anyone else.

I took the next paragraph from last year’s letter because I think it still applies…it probably always will. Even if I have accomplished these things in 2010, I hope to continue on in 2011.

I am committed to the process and to staying true to myself. I will stand my ground and be firm in my beliefs. I will love myself unconditionally and let others love me as well. I will let my guard down and be silly. I will be open to change and embrace it willingly. I will do one thing every day that scares me. I will be passionate about something, anything. I will make a difference. I will choose happiness. I will play more. I will be hopeful. I will laugh more. I will live in the moment, but plan for the future. I will accept the things I cannot change. I will be assertive. I will move on. I will choose to look for the positives in life. I will understand that my family cannot be what I want. I will let go. I will keep myself accountable. I will live by the three pillars. I will cry when I am sad. I will tell the people I love how much they mean to me.

I will live!

Here's to new beginnings and new endings.

Here's to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Here's to faith, family, and friends.

Here's to hope.

Love,

Kat

What Really Matters

In the end all I have is me. That’s it. Me. Myself. And I. If I’m not happy with who I am, then where will I be when that day comes?

I have heard this saying said many different ways and from many different people. I agree with it wholeheartedly, but I’m not sure if I really live it out in my day to day life. Sure, I like myself. I guess. I like myself a heck of a lot more than I ever did, so to me that’s an improvement. But deep down do I really love the person I’ve become? Would I stand next to everything I say or do or feel?

Probably not.

Over the past year and a half I have made some pretty big leaps and bounds in my life. I have done things no one thought were possible…not even me. But I have also become bitter and resentful in many areas of my life. People piss me off way too much or things happen that I have no control over. I get angry and I never let go.
Is this the person I want to be? No. That much I know. But what I don’t know is how to change. When I was sick I was never this bitter. I hated people, sure, but that’s because I hated everything. It wasn’t specifically for something they did or didn’t do, it just was. Now, I am just angry.

Someone told me recently that I remind her of a burnt-out therapist. What did I say in response to that? “True story…”

So now that I know what it is how do I fix it? I have a hard time being okay with people looking past me like I don’t exist. I have a hard time with people not recognizing the progress I’ve made and then turning around and giving recognition to someone else who hasn’t really done anything. I keep telling myself that I don’t need people like that and that I am proud of my accomplishments no matter what. I am proud, but I would like someone else to be proud too.

Just today I was at the pumpkin patch with my brother and his family. My 3-year-old niece is not the best eater, but when asked what she wanted to eat she told her mom she wanted a hot dog. My sister-in-law told me she had never eaten a hot dog before and she didn’t even know that she liked them. You know what? My niece ate the whole thing. But really the point of this story is that her mom leaned over and told her how proud she was of her. You should have seen that little girl’s face light up.

That’s all I want. That’s all anyone wants. To be looked at and recognized for something great we did. It could be something small or something big; it doesn’t really matter if someone else notices.

But I can’t make someone else tell me they are proud. I can’t even make someone else notice I’m alive. All I can do is be the person I want to be recognized for every second of every day….then at least I can be proud of who I am.

So at the end of today, think back and decide if you were happy with the person you were. If not, change it. You have all the power in the world.

one.step.at.a.time

I haven’t written since the end of August… It is now October and the smell of fall is in the air. Time to get writing!!!

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. It is a season of change and couldn’t we all use a little change in our lives? I know I could.

This season has brought about many changes for me: Living at home.A new boyfriend.Being the caretaker for my mother.A new job.Pondering a career change.Thinking about writing a book. All of these things have both positive and negative effects as all events of change do. Sometimes we don’t know how to feel about something that seems so great, but yet brings us so much stress.

Take the career change…
I have been thinking for awhile that I may not want to be a teacher for the
rest of my life. Shocking, huh? It was for me too. Don’t get me wrong…I love
kids and I definitely like the job I have right now, but something is
missing.

Passion.

It’s as simple as that. My passion is not what it once was. I keep asking myself, “What if I’m meant to do so much more?” And in my mind, if I am asking myself that question than there must be something else out there for me. But in thinking about all of the greatness I could accomplish in this new endeavor, I also think about how many things could go wrong. What if I fail? What if I don’t have the money to go back to school? What if I never find something I’m passionate about? What if…{You fill in the blank.}

Someone told me recently that I have so many great ideas and instead of taking them one step at a time, I get so overwhelmed that I do nothing. As much as I wanted to disagree with her, I couldn’t. She was absolutely right. I want to do so much and be amazing at so many things that I forget the here and now. I forget that my life is passing me by while I plan and plan and plan my life in my head.

So today’s the day I stop. Today I’ll live for today and realize that my lifelong career plan, or life plan for that matter, will not get worked right now. That’s not to say that I can’t take small steps to make the changes I want to me. It just means I don’t have to do it all. As a friend of mine used to say, “Gray is my favorite color.”

So remember this quote from one of my first entries…
“But the truth is, it’s not the size of the event.place.thing.idea that makes the difference, it’s the size of the feeing it gives you when you do it. A positive.negative.unknown feeling, it doesn’t matter, as long as it makes you feel meaningful. I think they call it passion.”

I’ll make it there….I’m sure of it. It will just take a little more soul-searching, persistence, and taking it one.step.at.a.time.

Cooler Than Me

You got designer shades just to hide your face
And you wear them around like you're cooler than me.
And you never say hey or remember my name.
Its probably cuz, you think you're cooler than me.

You got your high brows; shoes on your feet,
And you wear them around like they ain’t shit.
But you don’t know the way that you look
when your steps make
That

Much

Noise.


To the people who have hurt me, never believed in me, or just looked past me like I didn’t matter:

…This is for you.

I used to think you were the ones who mattered. The ones who would decide if I would be good enough. The ones that I wanted to be like. I lived to impress you because I thought I would find me through you. I thought I could disguise myself so well that I would transform into something great when I was around you. I thought I would have friends and loves and fun.

I was wrong.

You were the ones that helped me to lose myself even more. You were the ones who pretended to like me or put up with me because you thought you had to. No one wanted to be the reason why I hurt myself.

I am not here to blame or to judge. We were young and naïve. We didn’t know any better…or did we? I guess we’ll never know. And truly, I don’t really want to know. I want to believe that we were just stupid back then.

Truthfully, I am somewhat thankful for my past. It has been a long hard road to get me to where I am today, but I wouldn’t be me without it. I wouldn’t know who I want to be without meeting the people I know I don’t want to be like. I think we learn that the most…what we don’t want to be.

Now I know that I don’t want to be hurtful, judgmental, passive, or jealous. I don’t want to be a show-off. I don’t want to be someone I’m not. I just want to be Kat. The girl who loves life. The girl who wants to be something amazing when she grows up, but won’t kill herself trying to be perfect. I want to love and be loved, wear a bathing suit in public, laugh, scream, cry, and dance. I want to live with purpose and walk with intention. I just want to matter. And I do. But not because some one likes me or hates me or talks to me or doesn’t. I matter because I am human. Because I have the chance to wake up every day and do something different than the last.

So next time you pretend like you don’t know me (or someone else for that matter), remember that I am a person too. I matter just as much as you do. And do me a favor… just take a step back for a minute and think about how you look. Think about what a bitch you look like for doing what you’re doing. But also remember that I really don’t care anymore. I have moved on and am living my life while you are worried about ignoring me.


But you don’t know the way that you look
when your steps make
That

Much

Noise.

Shh.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

When I woke up this morning I didn’t know what I was in for—we never do. We get up, shower, dress, beautify ourselves for the world, hope that no one notices our flaws or body, and walk out the door ready (or not) for the day. We hope it turns out for the best, but in reality it could be the worst day of our lives. The only thing we can do to prepare is to live life to the absolute fullest… Take every chance that is given, say yes when you would have said no, laugh, cry, scream if that’s what you have to do to show that you have passion. But most of all, be true to yourself and be genuine to those around you. I think that’s all anyone can ever ask of themselves.

For me, today started out rough. I got up early to prepare for my new work schedule that begins next week. I had every intention of staying awake and doing something productive, but that didn’t happen. I fell back asleep and woke up later than usual, causing me to have to rush in the self-care practices I have put into place to keep me functioning. Then I found out that my clothes never magically made it into the dryer and I didn’t have any of my favorite clothes to wear to work. I was stuck in either dress clothes or jeans that are uncomfortable and not really the right size. I opted for the jeans. On the way to work I hit every construction zone and red light imaginable. Needless to say, I was late.

After a lot of toy putting-together and a 3.5 hour training that meant nothing to me, I was exhausted. I felt “fat” in my jeans, which led me to feel angry about my body, weight, size, etc. All of this angst was escalated by traffic on the way to more appointments and feeling rushed again. By this time I was pretty caught up in myself and my own problems. Now you have to realize that this isn’t very difficult for me to do. I get worked up about things pretty easily, especially when I feel unheard and unappreciated.

When I walked into my group tonight, I again didn’t know what I was in for. Usually, I end up leaving these appointments more angry/sad/bitter than when I came and am beginning to question if it is even worth it. But that is a story for another time… I thought it would be the usual check-in to see how everybody is and I was ready to say that I was doing fine and then move on. I was ready to throw my chance of speaking up and saying how I feel out the window just to regret it later. So instead…

I said it.

Just like that I said how I felt. It took a lot of reassuring myself in my head, but I did it because I knew it would be worse if I didn’t. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Someone would be mad at me. I think at this stage in the game if I can’t handle someone being mad at me than I haven’t come as far as I thought. Of course, what I wanted to say didn’t come out exactly the way I wanted it to, but then again, I don’t think it ever will. Most people always think of something better to say after they’ve said it, but that doesn’t stop everyone from saying how they feel.

For me, this step was huge. It may not seem like a lot, but it was. It’s so amazing how something so small can change someone’s outlook that much. You know what? After I talked about how I was feeling and just put all my cards out on the table, I felt much better about my day.

Life isn’t about choosing whether to wear a swimsuit in public or not. Life is about being pissed off and scared shitless to put that bathing suit on, but doing it anyway because you know it will be worth it. In 10 years no one is going to remember what I looked like in my bathing suit on August 23rd, 2010.


I guarantee it.


So whatever your bathing suit is, I challenge you to put it on this week. Love who you are for a moment. And let me know how it goes.

Where to Begin?

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you could almost feel it? Feel that overwhelming feeling that comes over you when you finally have everything that you have ever wanted? That moment in time when the world stops and you feel complete?

To me that is the best feeling in the world. It is the moment when I feel like all my hard work has paid off. The moment when I can breathe that sigh of relief and know that I have accomplished one more thing on this journey called life.

For me, that feeling has been lacking. I feel like I have been working so hard to get my life together, but no one sees it. I get pushed because I have “more potential” than others so therefore need to work harder. But each time I exceed those expectations the bar is raised again.

When will it be my turn to succeed? To be recognized for all this hard work I have done?

As hard as it is to say and feel in my heart, I think the answer has to come from me.

Today I got some perspective on this issue. Okay, actually I got everything I said previously thrown back in my face. At first, I was angry that I wasn’t being heard (again) and ready to close the door on that relationship, but then I did some carthinking (thinking while in the car, driving…the best place for it). I realized that what I was being told was exactly right. Maybe it’s me that needs to do the recognizing. Maybe it’s me that has to be the main character in the movie that finally steps up. (Thanks, Chloe & E). As always, I have the key to my own destiny, so to speak, and I can make it whatever the heck I want it to be.

Just because so-and-so is doing such-and-such and I am not does NOT mean that I am not good enough. Just because they get to be on TV does NOT mean that I am any farther behind. It just means that it wasn’t meant to be. Something else bigger and better is coming along and when it is my “turn,” it will be amazing because I waited that much longer.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It’s about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice.”

This is the quote on my desktop background. I look at it everyday, several times a day, but I forget to apply it. I can be angry about what I didn’t get to do. I can scream and cry and break down. But in the midst of all that I can still be excited and happy and anxious for what lies ahead because it will be worth the wait. Plus I have a lot of good in my life right now. I have a great job that I love, I have a best friend who means the world to be, I am living the life I never thought I could have. The list goes on and on.

But I think it is still important for me to remember that I can be angry. I don’t always have to be the strong, positive, happy one. Those things will always be there and I won’t let anything take those away from me. Anger is an emotion with a beginning, middle, and end. There is an end.

So really, I AM angry.

But I am also damn proud of myself for all the work I have done. And even though others aren’t recognizing it in the way I want them to, I am.

I am good enough for myself and really, in the long run, that’s all that matters.

Limitations

Tonight we were talking about limitations. The limitations we put on ourselves. The limitations others put on us. And the limitations that society implies on a daily basis. This got me thinking of the limitations.excuses.justifications that I tell myself constantly. I think we all do this to some degree and by the time we figure out what we are doing (if we realize at all) it is too late to go back. Now, I did not come up with this logic on my own and I do not want to take credit for what is not mine, but I do believe it one hundred percent, which is why I am writing about it. My challenge was to think about what I would not be afraid to do.say.think if I were back in kindergarten. I changed this a bit and challenged myself to write down all the limitations I give myself and then go through them one by one to change the way I look at the situation. So here goes…

1. I graduated from college with a 4.0, but I am not that smart….it was easy for me so it doesn’t count.
2. I am not going to do ______ because I don’t do that sort of thing.
3. I am not a writer or good a writing because I didn’t go to school for it.
4. I can only be a teacher because changing my career would be too much work and schooling.
5. I am a good person, but not that good.
6. Why would people want to be friends with me?
7. I can’t do _______ because I will fail.
8. I can’t say _______ because people will judge me, hate me, criticize me.
9. I can’t wear ______ because it doesn’t fit my body the right way.

I am sure there are more, but of course when I sit down to write I can’t think of any. But you understand my point.

We are all constantly battling this voice that gives a “but” or “because” to every statement that could be affirming to ourselves. It makes me so angry to not only realize that I do this to myself, but that other people do it to themselves as well. Or that the world teaches us to do these things from a very young age.

I think back to all the messages I have received (verbally and non-verbally) that have taught me how to act.speak.think in the “right” way. Who’s to say what is right or wrong? Who makes all the rules? I can proudly stand up and be confident when saying that I make the rules of my own life. I have the right to say.do.think.feel what I want to. Yes, I may make some poor decisions, say something that might offend someone, use a tone in which people react negatively to, or come across like a snob. And I may do this frequently, but it’s okay. If someone doesn’t like me because I say something completely appropriate and they take it in the wrong way…that is on them. If someone thinks I am a liar because I say I am a writer, but they don’t approve…I don’t need their approval.

I am my own person and I deserve to be here. I deserve to have a voice. I deserve to make mistakes choices others don’t approve of. I deserve to be Kat with no strings attached. And you deserve to be you.

What limitations.excuses.justifications will you leave out of your life today?