Cooler Than Me

You got designer shades just to hide your face
And you wear them around like you're cooler than me.
And you never say hey or remember my name.
Its probably cuz, you think you're cooler than me.

You got your high brows; shoes on your feet,
And you wear them around like they ain’t shit.
But you don’t know the way that you look
when your steps make
That

Much

Noise.


To the people who have hurt me, never believed in me, or just looked past me like I didn’t matter:

…This is for you.

I used to think you were the ones who mattered. The ones who would decide if I would be good enough. The ones that I wanted to be like. I lived to impress you because I thought I would find me through you. I thought I could disguise myself so well that I would transform into something great when I was around you. I thought I would have friends and loves and fun.

I was wrong.

You were the ones that helped me to lose myself even more. You were the ones who pretended to like me or put up with me because you thought you had to. No one wanted to be the reason why I hurt myself.

I am not here to blame or to judge. We were young and naïve. We didn’t know any better…or did we? I guess we’ll never know. And truly, I don’t really want to know. I want to believe that we were just stupid back then.

Truthfully, I am somewhat thankful for my past. It has been a long hard road to get me to where I am today, but I wouldn’t be me without it. I wouldn’t know who I want to be without meeting the people I know I don’t want to be like. I think we learn that the most…what we don’t want to be.

Now I know that I don’t want to be hurtful, judgmental, passive, or jealous. I don’t want to be a show-off. I don’t want to be someone I’m not. I just want to be Kat. The girl who loves life. The girl who wants to be something amazing when she grows up, but won’t kill herself trying to be perfect. I want to love and be loved, wear a bathing suit in public, laugh, scream, cry, and dance. I want to live with purpose and walk with intention. I just want to matter. And I do. But not because some one likes me or hates me or talks to me or doesn’t. I matter because I am human. Because I have the chance to wake up every day and do something different than the last.

So next time you pretend like you don’t know me (or someone else for that matter), remember that I am a person too. I matter just as much as you do. And do me a favor… just take a step back for a minute and think about how you look. Think about what a bitch you look like for doing what you’re doing. But also remember that I really don’t care anymore. I have moved on and am living my life while you are worried about ignoring me.


But you don’t know the way that you look
when your steps make
That

Much

Noise.

Shh.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

When I woke up this morning I didn’t know what I was in for—we never do. We get up, shower, dress, beautify ourselves for the world, hope that no one notices our flaws or body, and walk out the door ready (or not) for the day. We hope it turns out for the best, but in reality it could be the worst day of our lives. The only thing we can do to prepare is to live life to the absolute fullest… Take every chance that is given, say yes when you would have said no, laugh, cry, scream if that’s what you have to do to show that you have passion. But most of all, be true to yourself and be genuine to those around you. I think that’s all anyone can ever ask of themselves.

For me, today started out rough. I got up early to prepare for my new work schedule that begins next week. I had every intention of staying awake and doing something productive, but that didn’t happen. I fell back asleep and woke up later than usual, causing me to have to rush in the self-care practices I have put into place to keep me functioning. Then I found out that my clothes never magically made it into the dryer and I didn’t have any of my favorite clothes to wear to work. I was stuck in either dress clothes or jeans that are uncomfortable and not really the right size. I opted for the jeans. On the way to work I hit every construction zone and red light imaginable. Needless to say, I was late.

After a lot of toy putting-together and a 3.5 hour training that meant nothing to me, I was exhausted. I felt “fat” in my jeans, which led me to feel angry about my body, weight, size, etc. All of this angst was escalated by traffic on the way to more appointments and feeling rushed again. By this time I was pretty caught up in myself and my own problems. Now you have to realize that this isn’t very difficult for me to do. I get worked up about things pretty easily, especially when I feel unheard and unappreciated.

When I walked into my group tonight, I again didn’t know what I was in for. Usually, I end up leaving these appointments more angry/sad/bitter than when I came and am beginning to question if it is even worth it. But that is a story for another time… I thought it would be the usual check-in to see how everybody is and I was ready to say that I was doing fine and then move on. I was ready to throw my chance of speaking up and saying how I feel out the window just to regret it later. So instead…

I said it.

Just like that I said how I felt. It took a lot of reassuring myself in my head, but I did it because I knew it would be worse if I didn’t. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Someone would be mad at me. I think at this stage in the game if I can’t handle someone being mad at me than I haven’t come as far as I thought. Of course, what I wanted to say didn’t come out exactly the way I wanted it to, but then again, I don’t think it ever will. Most people always think of something better to say after they’ve said it, but that doesn’t stop everyone from saying how they feel.

For me, this step was huge. It may not seem like a lot, but it was. It’s so amazing how something so small can change someone’s outlook that much. You know what? After I talked about how I was feeling and just put all my cards out on the table, I felt much better about my day.

Life isn’t about choosing whether to wear a swimsuit in public or not. Life is about being pissed off and scared shitless to put that bathing suit on, but doing it anyway because you know it will be worth it. In 10 years no one is going to remember what I looked like in my bathing suit on August 23rd, 2010.


I guarantee it.


So whatever your bathing suit is, I challenge you to put it on this week. Love who you are for a moment. And let me know how it goes.

Where to Begin?

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you could almost feel it? Feel that overwhelming feeling that comes over you when you finally have everything that you have ever wanted? That moment in time when the world stops and you feel complete?

To me that is the best feeling in the world. It is the moment when I feel like all my hard work has paid off. The moment when I can breathe that sigh of relief and know that I have accomplished one more thing on this journey called life.

For me, that feeling has been lacking. I feel like I have been working so hard to get my life together, but no one sees it. I get pushed because I have “more potential” than others so therefore need to work harder. But each time I exceed those expectations the bar is raised again.

When will it be my turn to succeed? To be recognized for all this hard work I have done?

As hard as it is to say and feel in my heart, I think the answer has to come from me.

Today I got some perspective on this issue. Okay, actually I got everything I said previously thrown back in my face. At first, I was angry that I wasn’t being heard (again) and ready to close the door on that relationship, but then I did some carthinking (thinking while in the car, driving…the best place for it). I realized that what I was being told was exactly right. Maybe it’s me that needs to do the recognizing. Maybe it’s me that has to be the main character in the movie that finally steps up. (Thanks, Chloe & E). As always, I have the key to my own destiny, so to speak, and I can make it whatever the heck I want it to be.

Just because so-and-so is doing such-and-such and I am not does NOT mean that I am not good enough. Just because they get to be on TV does NOT mean that I am any farther behind. It just means that it wasn’t meant to be. Something else bigger and better is coming along and when it is my “turn,” it will be amazing because I waited that much longer.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It’s about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice.”

This is the quote on my desktop background. I look at it everyday, several times a day, but I forget to apply it. I can be angry about what I didn’t get to do. I can scream and cry and break down. But in the midst of all that I can still be excited and happy and anxious for what lies ahead because it will be worth the wait. Plus I have a lot of good in my life right now. I have a great job that I love, I have a best friend who means the world to be, I am living the life I never thought I could have. The list goes on and on.

But I think it is still important for me to remember that I can be angry. I don’t always have to be the strong, positive, happy one. Those things will always be there and I won’t let anything take those away from me. Anger is an emotion with a beginning, middle, and end. There is an end.

So really, I AM angry.

But I am also damn proud of myself for all the work I have done. And even though others aren’t recognizing it in the way I want them to, I am.

I am good enough for myself and really, in the long run, that’s all that matters.