Something happened to me today. Something that I want to shout from the rooftops, but will refrain from doing. Instead, I will blog. I will write about it until I am blue in the face (well, hands, I guess) because I can. And for once I don’t really care if anyone is listening because that’s not what it’s about. This is not about pride or attention or wishing that someone would notice me.
Nope.
Not at all.
This is for me.
Of course I could write about many things. I could write about the job I hate, the people who continually criticize me, the fact that my dad is not my father, and countless other negative things that are creating chaos in my life. I could whine and complain and pity myself until the cows come home, but I won’t.
No thanks. I think I’ll take a different spin on this.
I think I’ll write about something amazing. Something so profound, so earth-shattering, yet so small. Something that made my day, my week, maybe even my year. Something that I will remember forever.
So now you’re probably wondering what the big hype is… What could be so great that happened today? Because, let’s be honest, my life isn’t really that amazing.
Let me tell you….. It all began with a mirror.
For countless years I walked around obsessed with mirrors. And by obsessed I don’t mean “like.” Trust me, I wanted to get away. I wanted to just stop looking all together, to not care, but I couldn’t. Just like the scale, I used the mirror to determine my worth. How did I look? What about my hair? My skin? My eyebrows? Was it too fat? Too sunken in? Let me tell you I wanted to scream every time I looked. I always saw some imperfection, some flaw that made me ugly.
Eventually looking in the mirror also became a means of trying to find myself. Every time I looked I didn’t know who I saw. I was always the “girl with the eating disorder,” or the “fat girl,” or the “girl who always cried.” I was able to look past the imperfections, but only to see the pain, hurt, and suffering that was going on in my life. I didn’t know what a genuine smile looked like and I didn’t know how to connect with the person behind those eyes.
Even recently I have seen myself as Kat “the girl who is in recovery from an eating disorder.” Or Kat “the girl who sucks at her job and recovery and her life.” Or Kat “the girl with no real dad and a mom who only cares about her getting a job.” I could go on and on with the labels that I put upon myself. Yes, labels I put on myself. I believe no one can tell you who or what you are. Every time you see yourself as a certain label it is because YOU see that within yourself. YOU believe those messages from others, whether they are true or not. YOU choose to be seen that way. In the same light, YOU can take those labels away.
But I digress. I guess my point in all of this is that I continued to look in the mirror and used it as a judgment tool. Am I good enough? How do people perceive me?
You know what? WHO CARES?
Currently I am reading a book entitled “The Book of Awesome” by Neil Pasricha. As you can probably tell from the title…it is awesome. Basically, it is a book of simple pleasures, you might say. Things that we take for granted that really are awesome because we know how annoying it is when things that are awesome don’t happen quite as awesomely. For example, when a cashier opens a new line up and you are the first person in the new line. How many times has this happened to you? I am sure not enough, but really do you even remember? I don’t, but I know that when I am stuck in that really long check-out line and my frozen food is melting and the checker has to do a price check or grab a new item because the customer grabbed one without a tag, I am dying for that new lane to open. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is…
AWESOME!
Reading this book has gotten me to think of the awesome things that have gone on throughout my day that aren’t big, but make it more fun or give me a laugh or make me say… AWESOME!
I don’t really know how that ties back to the mirror thing, but just play along.
Today I was in the bathroom at work washing my hands, when I looked up. I glanced in the mirror, smiled, and saw it. For the first time I saw Kat.
Just Kat. K-a-t. No labels, no pain, no strings attached. Just me.
And you know what I thought…
This is absolutely AWESOME!
{Check it out! 1000awesomethings.com}
