Where to Begin?

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you could almost feel it? Feel that overwhelming feeling that comes over you when you finally have everything that you have ever wanted? That moment in time when the world stops and you feel complete?

To me that is the best feeling in the world. It is the moment when I feel like all my hard work has paid off. The moment when I can breathe that sigh of relief and know that I have accomplished one more thing on this journey called life.

For me, that feeling has been lacking. I feel like I have been working so hard to get my life together, but no one sees it. I get pushed because I have “more potential” than others so therefore need to work harder. But each time I exceed those expectations the bar is raised again.

When will it be my turn to succeed? To be recognized for all this hard work I have done?

As hard as it is to say and feel in my heart, I think the answer has to come from me.

Today I got some perspective on this issue. Okay, actually I got everything I said previously thrown back in my face. At first, I was angry that I wasn’t being heard (again) and ready to close the door on that relationship, but then I did some carthinking (thinking while in the car, driving…the best place for it). I realized that what I was being told was exactly right. Maybe it’s me that needs to do the recognizing. Maybe it’s me that has to be the main character in the movie that finally steps up. (Thanks, Chloe & E). As always, I have the key to my own destiny, so to speak, and I can make it whatever the heck I want it to be.

Just because so-and-so is doing such-and-such and I am not does NOT mean that I am not good enough. Just because they get to be on TV does NOT mean that I am any farther behind. It just means that it wasn’t meant to be. Something else bigger and better is coming along and when it is my “turn,” it will be amazing because I waited that much longer.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It’s about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice.”

This is the quote on my desktop background. I look at it everyday, several times a day, but I forget to apply it. I can be angry about what I didn’t get to do. I can scream and cry and break down. But in the midst of all that I can still be excited and happy and anxious for what lies ahead because it will be worth the wait. Plus I have a lot of good in my life right now. I have a great job that I love, I have a best friend who means the world to be, I am living the life I never thought I could have. The list goes on and on.

But I think it is still important for me to remember that I can be angry. I don’t always have to be the strong, positive, happy one. Those things will always be there and I won’t let anything take those away from me. Anger is an emotion with a beginning, middle, and end. There is an end.

So really, I AM angry.

But I am also damn proud of myself for all the work I have done. And even though others aren’t recognizing it in the way I want them to, I am.

I am good enough for myself and really, in the long run, that’s all that matters.