What Really Matters

In the end all I have is me. That’s it. Me. Myself. And I. If I’m not happy with who I am, then where will I be when that day comes?

I have heard this saying said many different ways and from many different people. I agree with it wholeheartedly, but I’m not sure if I really live it out in my day to day life. Sure, I like myself. I guess. I like myself a heck of a lot more than I ever did, so to me that’s an improvement. But deep down do I really love the person I’ve become? Would I stand next to everything I say or do or feel?

Probably not.

Over the past year and a half I have made some pretty big leaps and bounds in my life. I have done things no one thought were possible…not even me. But I have also become bitter and resentful in many areas of my life. People piss me off way too much or things happen that I have no control over. I get angry and I never let go.
Is this the person I want to be? No. That much I know. But what I don’t know is how to change. When I was sick I was never this bitter. I hated people, sure, but that’s because I hated everything. It wasn’t specifically for something they did or didn’t do, it just was. Now, I am just angry.

Someone told me recently that I remind her of a burnt-out therapist. What did I say in response to that? “True story…”

So now that I know what it is how do I fix it? I have a hard time being okay with people looking past me like I don’t exist. I have a hard time with people not recognizing the progress I’ve made and then turning around and giving recognition to someone else who hasn’t really done anything. I keep telling myself that I don’t need people like that and that I am proud of my accomplishments no matter what. I am proud, but I would like someone else to be proud too.

Just today I was at the pumpkin patch with my brother and his family. My 3-year-old niece is not the best eater, but when asked what she wanted to eat she told her mom she wanted a hot dog. My sister-in-law told me she had never eaten a hot dog before and she didn’t even know that she liked them. You know what? My niece ate the whole thing. But really the point of this story is that her mom leaned over and told her how proud she was of her. You should have seen that little girl’s face light up.

That’s all I want. That’s all anyone wants. To be looked at and recognized for something great we did. It could be something small or something big; it doesn’t really matter if someone else notices.

But I can’t make someone else tell me they are proud. I can’t even make someone else notice I’m alive. All I can do is be the person I want to be recognized for every second of every day….then at least I can be proud of who I am.

So at the end of today, think back and decide if you were happy with the person you were. If not, change it. You have all the power in the world.