Most people say, “Life is what you make it.” You have the choice, the drive, the passion—whatever to make your life anything you want it to be. You are in the driver’s seat and only you know where you’re going. But what about those of us who are living life in the passenger’s seats? You know the type…backseat drivers, navigators, screaming children in the car seat, sullen teenagers tuned out from the rest of the car, people asking, “When are we gonna get there? I’m hungry. I have to use the bathroom. I think I’m going to be sick…”
I’m sure if I asked each and every one of you, you could all name someone in your life who fits each one of the descriptions I just mentioned. I know I can and I know that I would probably, at least some of the time, name myself as one of them. So, what does our place in the car say about us as people? I think this description about us speaks louder than words ever could. For example…
The Backseat Driver:
We all know at least one of these in our lives. You know, the mother who sits in the backseat and pretends not to care about what’s going on and then all of a sudden…she is screaming about how you are going too fast or you need be in a different lane, or “Can’t you hear that? Your turn signal is still on!” But then when you ask if she would like to drive {so she will just “shut up, already!”} she responds by saying something like, “Oh, no, you’re doing a great job.” Right…
These are the kind of people who direct everybody else’s lives, but not their own. They want to stand out from the crowd and take charge, but only when it pertains to someone else. I admit that I am one of these people. I am literally a backseat {or front seat or any-seat-in-the-car) diver in the car as well as in my life. It is always so easy to see the mistakes that others are making and to give advice {or demands, really) on how they can fix them. But personally, I HATE backseat drivers when I am driving. Who are you to tell me that I don’t know what I am doing? I think us backseat drivers just need a little focus and a little compassion for the people around us. We need to take that energy and put it into something to make our lives amazing.
The Navigator:
These are the people that we need in our lives. The people with the road map {or Mapquest directions or GPS} that let us know how to get to where we want to be. Navigators have a hard job. They have to know where we want to go, how long it will take to get there, how to read a map {or follow simple instructions}, and tell us where to turn at exactly the right time. They also have to put up with the drivers asking them a million questions and then hoping they have the right answers so they don’t get yelled at.
I like to think of the navigator as the driver’s best friend. The one she always counts on to be right there and ready for anything. The navigator is usually willing to be along for the ride and like what she is doing, even if she may not be so good at it. But the navigator is also the person who is too busy helping everyone else out to worry about herself. She is answering questions about other people’s lives and directing them to where they need to be. She is holding on to that control because she is afraid of trusting someone else to get the caravan to where they need to be. But what about her? Where is she going in her life? It can’t be much fun planning everyone else’s trips all the time without planning some for herself once in awhile. So to all you navigators out there…grab your own navigator and plan a fabulous trip somewhere that you really want to go and make them tell you how to get there. And about the control…try and let it go. Life is no fun without mistakes, adventure, and driving through the middle-of-nowhere without a clue as to where you are.
Screaming Children:
Now, I don’t have children of my own, but I have taken care of my share of kids. I know that when a small child does not get what he wants, he will be angry, and he will let you know. I also know that the car is a place where most children either fall asleep or scream because being strapped into a seat and given toys to play with is just not a desirable choice. Plus, the toys keep falling on the floor {okay, they were dropped…purposefully} and he needs a way of getting them back.
The screaming children in the car are the ones who will never be happy with what they have...ever. The grass is always greener on the other side and that grass isn’t as green as the grass 2 doors down. You get the picture. These people are too worried about what they don’t have that they forget what they do have. That child in the car seat has parents that love him, a car to get from place to place, toys, a home, friends, clothes; but all he can think about is that he is strapped into a seat and can’t get his toy off the floor. Obviously, at this age children cannot comprehend anything but this, but in life we adults can. Life is beautiful if you just look around and notice all you have. Make a list and you will see how great things are, even if life is crumbling around you. Plus, no one wants to hear you whine and complain. They might just drop you off on the side of the road…
Sullen Teenagers:
This is not to say that all teenagers are like this, but you know the type I am talking about. The ones that are wearing headphones with their music turned up as loud as they can tolerate, looking out the window, and conveying to everyone driving by that they are pissed at the world. They don’t answer when you try and talk to them and you can tell that they were dragged along because “this is a family vacation and you’re going to like it!”
I was probably one of these teenagers at some point in my life. I think a lot of us were. Too busy to spend time with our family because they “drive us crazy” and “our friends won’t like us if we don’t go to that party/concert/game.” The truth is, if they don’t like you for that then what kids of friend were they in the first place? Life is short. Too short to waste it being depressed over things that don’t really matter in the end. Spend time with the people who love you {and who you love}, make memories {good ones} to last a lifetime, and make the most about the situation you’re in. If you don’t like it, change it. If you can’t change it change how you look at it. It’s fascinating to see how life looks when you’re looking through glasses of a different color.
The Questioners:
Have you even been on a road trip with that bubbly 8-year-girl who can’t sit still? Who is so excited to get where you’re going that she can’t help but ask {a million times}”When are we gonna be there?” Can’t you just picture her in her pigtails, with her big toothy grin, about to bounce right off of her seat because she can’t contain herself? I know I can.
This type of people are cute {for awhile}. They seem to have so much fire inside and just can’t wait to get where they are going in life. But while they busy focusing on their destination, they are missing the journey. The scenery, the conversation, their favorite song playing on the radio. I heard a quote this morning said by John Lennon: “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” I think this quote fits perfectly. That little girl is so excited planning in her head what the trip will be like once they get there that she forgets that I trip began the minute she packed her suitcase, got in the car, and began driving. Stop planning. Enjoy the ride. And remember that the moments you spend in your head planning for the greatest adventure of your life are the ones you lose while you’re on that adventure.
So while I truly believe that life is what you make it, I also believe that life makes you. Your experiences mold you into the person you are in the present moment. Whether that be the Questioner, Navigator, or Sullen Teenager. The choices you make and the reactions you have to what life throws at you are what make you. So what are you waiting for? Load up the car, hop in the driver’s seat, and hit the road. Because driving the car of your own life is pretty sweet. You get to pick the people you ride with, the music you listen to, and how fast you go. :)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Hope
Tonight was supposed to be a very moving, emotional, hopeful evening, but I didn’t really get that feeling. Maybe I’m in a different place than most or maybe I’m just a bitch. Either way, I’m admitting it and that’s all that counts, right?
Anyway, tonight was about recovery, a subject that I am very passionate about and fought very hard for. It was about hope through grieving, loss, love, and strength. It was about community. It was about a community that I feel I have lost all ties to. A community in which I do not connect to as much as I think I should. A community that screams about acceptance and love, but doesn’t always practice what it preaches.
A lot of what I heard tonight was meant to be hopeful. It was about life after struggling for a long time and finally finding yourself. Loving yourself just the way you are, being imperfect, fighting for what you believe in….any positive message that could be given, was. But you know what was missing? Authenticity. Reality. Validity.
What I never heard anyone say was how hard life in and after recovery is. How things can be going perfectly and then all of a sudden your life gets turned upside down. I don’t believe that recovery fully begins until you can get through those hard times without resulting back to old patterns. Because, let’s be honest, anyone can be in recovery when life is great, but what happens when it isn’t? It takes a much stronger person to get up, face the hard stuff, and move on. And that’s the person I want to be.
Life is not always rainbows and butterflies. Life sucks. People die. Money runs out. Couples split up. Loved ones hurt us. We have to do things we don’t want to do because we have to. Bad things don’t stop happening just because you’re in recovery. But you know what? Without the suckage this wouldn’t be life. None of us would know joy and happiness without these things.
Don’t get me wrong, life is amazing. Great things happen all the time, even to you. But please don’t get the impression that evil takes a holiday, ever. It’s the choices you make when something bad happens in your life that counts. Those are the moments when you decide if you are going to stay in recovery or not. Those are the moments will change your life. So let them.
So, no, I didn’t get a lot out of tonight because I feel like the wrong message was being given. I feel that the hopeful message that I was looking for comes from a different set of people. The ones who can see the sunshine amidst the rain. The ones who let their choices change their lives.
For the better.
Anyway, tonight was about recovery, a subject that I am very passionate about and fought very hard for. It was about hope through grieving, loss, love, and strength. It was about community. It was about a community that I feel I have lost all ties to. A community in which I do not connect to as much as I think I should. A community that screams about acceptance and love, but doesn’t always practice what it preaches.
A lot of what I heard tonight was meant to be hopeful. It was about life after struggling for a long time and finally finding yourself. Loving yourself just the way you are, being imperfect, fighting for what you believe in….any positive message that could be given, was. But you know what was missing? Authenticity. Reality. Validity.
What I never heard anyone say was how hard life in and after recovery is. How things can be going perfectly and then all of a sudden your life gets turned upside down. I don’t believe that recovery fully begins until you can get through those hard times without resulting back to old patterns. Because, let’s be honest, anyone can be in recovery when life is great, but what happens when it isn’t? It takes a much stronger person to get up, face the hard stuff, and move on. And that’s the person I want to be.
Life is not always rainbows and butterflies. Life sucks. People die. Money runs out. Couples split up. Loved ones hurt us. We have to do things we don’t want to do because we have to. Bad things don’t stop happening just because you’re in recovery. But you know what? Without the suckage this wouldn’t be life. None of us would know joy and happiness without these things.
Don’t get me wrong, life is amazing. Great things happen all the time, even to you. But please don’t get the impression that evil takes a holiday, ever. It’s the choices you make when something bad happens in your life that counts. Those are the moments when you decide if you are going to stay in recovery or not. Those are the moments will change your life. So let them.
So, no, I didn’t get a lot out of tonight because I feel like the wrong message was being given. I feel that the hopeful message that I was looking for comes from a different set of people. The ones who can see the sunshine amidst the rain. The ones who let their choices change their lives.
For the better.
Monday, April 26, 2010
This is For Me.
Something happened to me today. Something that I want to shout from the rooftops, but will refrain from doing. Instead, I will blog. I will write about it until I am blue in the face (well, hands, I guess) because I can. And for once I don’t really care if anyone is listening because that’s not what it’s about. This is not about pride or attention or wishing that someone would notice me.
Nope.
Not at all.
This is for me.
Of course I could write about many things. I could write about the job I hate, the people who continually criticize me, the fact that my dad is not my father, and countless other negative things that are creating chaos in my life. I could whine and complain and pity myself until the cows come home, but I won’t.
No thanks. I think I’ll take a different spin on this.
I think I’ll write about something amazing. Something so profound, so earth-shattering, yet so small. Something that made my day, my week, maybe even my year. Something that I will remember forever.
So now you’re probably wondering what the big hype is… What could be so great that happened today? Because, let’s be honest, my life isn’t really that amazing.
Let me tell you….. It all began with a mirror.
For countless years I walked around obsessed with mirrors. And by obsessed I don’t mean “like.” Trust me, I wanted to get away. I wanted to just stop looking all together, to not care, but I couldn’t. Just like the scale, I used the mirror to determine my worth. How did I look? What about my hair? My skin? My eyebrows? Was it too fat? Too sunken in? Let me tell you I wanted to scream every time I looked. I always saw some imperfection, some flaw that made me ugly.
Eventually looking in the mirror also became a means of trying to find myself. Every time I looked I didn’t know who I saw. I was always the “girl with the eating disorder,” or the “fat girl,” or the “girl who always cried.” I was able to look past the imperfections, but only to see the pain, hurt, and suffering that was going on in my life. I didn’t know what a genuine smile looked like and I didn’t know how to connect with the person behind those eyes.
Even recently I have seen myself as Kat “the girl who is in recovery from an eating disorder.” Or Kat “the girl who sucks at her job and recovery and her life.” Or Kat “the girl with no real dad and a mom who only cares about her getting a job.” I could go on and on with the labels that I put upon myself. Yes, labels I put on myself. I believe no one can tell you who or what you are. Every time you see yourself as a certain label it is because YOU see that within yourself. YOU believe those messages from others, whether they are true or not. YOU choose to be seen that way. In the same light, YOU can take those labels away.
But I digress. I guess my point in all of this is that I continued to look in the mirror and used it as a judgment tool. Am I good enough? How do people perceive me?
You know what? WHO CARES?
Currently I am reading a book entitled “The Book of Awesome” by Neil Pasricha. As you can probably tell from the title…it is awesome. Basically, it is a book of simple pleasures, you might say. Things that we take for granted that really are awesome because we know how annoying it is when things that are awesome don’t happen quite as awesomely. For example, when a cashier opens a new line up and you are the first person in the new line. How many times has this happened to you? I am sure not enough, but really do you even remember? I don’t, but I know that when I am stuck in that really long check-out line and my frozen food is melting and the checker has to do a price check or grab a new item because the customer grabbed one without a tag, I am dying for that new lane to open. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is…
AWESOME!
Reading this book has gotten me to think of the awesome things that have gone on throughout my day that aren’t big, but make it more fun or give me a laugh or make me say… AWESOME!
I don’t really know how that ties back to the mirror thing, but just play along.
Today I was in the bathroom at work washing my hands, when I looked up. I glanced in the mirror, smiled, and saw it. For the first time I saw Kat.
Just Kat. K-a-t. No labels, no pain, no strings attached. Just me.
And you know what I thought…
This is absolutely AWESOME!
{Check it out! 1000awesomethings.com}
Nope.
Not at all.
This is for me.
Of course I could write about many things. I could write about the job I hate, the people who continually criticize me, the fact that my dad is not my father, and countless other negative things that are creating chaos in my life. I could whine and complain and pity myself until the cows come home, but I won’t.
No thanks. I think I’ll take a different spin on this.
I think I’ll write about something amazing. Something so profound, so earth-shattering, yet so small. Something that made my day, my week, maybe even my year. Something that I will remember forever.
So now you’re probably wondering what the big hype is… What could be so great that happened today? Because, let’s be honest, my life isn’t really that amazing.
Let me tell you….. It all began with a mirror.
For countless years I walked around obsessed with mirrors. And by obsessed I don’t mean “like.” Trust me, I wanted to get away. I wanted to just stop looking all together, to not care, but I couldn’t. Just like the scale, I used the mirror to determine my worth. How did I look? What about my hair? My skin? My eyebrows? Was it too fat? Too sunken in? Let me tell you I wanted to scream every time I looked. I always saw some imperfection, some flaw that made me ugly.
Eventually looking in the mirror also became a means of trying to find myself. Every time I looked I didn’t know who I saw. I was always the “girl with the eating disorder,” or the “fat girl,” or the “girl who always cried.” I was able to look past the imperfections, but only to see the pain, hurt, and suffering that was going on in my life. I didn’t know what a genuine smile looked like and I didn’t know how to connect with the person behind those eyes.
Even recently I have seen myself as Kat “the girl who is in recovery from an eating disorder.” Or Kat “the girl who sucks at her job and recovery and her life.” Or Kat “the girl with no real dad and a mom who only cares about her getting a job.” I could go on and on with the labels that I put upon myself. Yes, labels I put on myself. I believe no one can tell you who or what you are. Every time you see yourself as a certain label it is because YOU see that within yourself. YOU believe those messages from others, whether they are true or not. YOU choose to be seen that way. In the same light, YOU can take those labels away.
But I digress. I guess my point in all of this is that I continued to look in the mirror and used it as a judgment tool. Am I good enough? How do people perceive me?
You know what? WHO CARES?
Currently I am reading a book entitled “The Book of Awesome” by Neil Pasricha. As you can probably tell from the title…it is awesome. Basically, it is a book of simple pleasures, you might say. Things that we take for granted that really are awesome because we know how annoying it is when things that are awesome don’t happen quite as awesomely. For example, when a cashier opens a new line up and you are the first person in the new line. How many times has this happened to you? I am sure not enough, but really do you even remember? I don’t, but I know that when I am stuck in that really long check-out line and my frozen food is melting and the checker has to do a price check or grab a new item because the customer grabbed one without a tag, I am dying for that new lane to open. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is…
AWESOME!
Reading this book has gotten me to think of the awesome things that have gone on throughout my day that aren’t big, but make it more fun or give me a laugh or make me say… AWESOME!
I don’t really know how that ties back to the mirror thing, but just play along.
Today I was in the bathroom at work washing my hands, when I looked up. I glanced in the mirror, smiled, and saw it. For the first time I saw Kat.
Just Kat. K-a-t. No labels, no pain, no strings attached. Just me.
And you know what I thought…
This is absolutely AWESOME!
{Check it out! 1000awesomethings.com}
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Trust: The Art of Balance
In trust there is a fine line between having too much and not having enough. In life, we are constantly battling to find that middle ground where we can trust another in the right circumstances at the right times. I have struggled with trust my entire life and wondered when I would finally learn the art of balance. I either trusted people too much—shared intimate details about my life with complete strangers just because they inquired—or I shut people out completely. I think I just wanted someone to care.
Now, I am faced with the issue of trust again. When posed with a question of what I trust and why in a particular group of people, I froze. My mind began racing. What is trust? How do I know that I trust these women? I don’t think I have all the answers, but I do think I have begun to explore this unknown territory without restraint.
What is trust?
By definition (or one of them, since I found 24) trust means “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., or a person or thing; confidence.” In other words, being certain that a person or thing is honest, ethical, strong, and reliable—I think. As nice as that is, I don’t really think the idea of trust can be wrapped up in a nice little box like that. Trust is messy. It’s kind of like going into your closet and trying on all of your clothes when nothing fits. All the clothes seem to end up on the floor and it takes you twice as long to sort out the mess you made. I find a lot of things in my life to be this way, which makes life more difficult, but definitely more interesting.
How do I know when I trust someone?
Good question. I don’t think I have quite figured that out yet. You see, I am a very open person. I will share almost anything with someone if they ask because I am not sure how to say, “It’s none of your business,” in a nice way. But I am also very good at shutting people out and putting up a front to show people how strong and put together I am. While some of the time I am that put together, other times I am not. Figuring out when I am genuinely okay has been a struggle for me, but I am finally realizing that it is okay to be happy and strong as well as sad, lonely, and disappointed.
So does sharing all the intimate details about my life with someone mean that I trust that person? I tend to think not. For me, I think trust is more like a feeling—a journey per se—not a tangible destination. Kind of like a warm, fuzzy, hot-chocolate-going-down-your-throat feeling inside when we know that the people we are sharing our stories with will not intentionally judge, hurt, or abandon us without warning. For me this is hard—like climbing Mt. Everest hard. I have been hurt, judged, and abandoned by more people than I can count, which makes the feeling of trust harder to recognize each time that trust is broken by someone. So while, from the outside, it may look like I trust many, looks can be deceiving. So to answer my own question…How do I know that I trust someone? Honestly, I.don’t.know.
Each day I am growing, changing, and learning. I am discovering that it is okay to have the expectation that people are trustworthy and that not everyone will hurt me I the end. But that takes time. Think of a toddler learning to walk. She cannot start running on the first day. She must begin by leaning on objects/people for support. Then, gradually, she may take a few steps on her own, but will inevitably fall down. She may cry and be scared to get back up, but in her own time she always does. She takes comfort in knowing that there are others, who are older and more experienced, who are there to help her and to cheer her on. And just as every child takes her own time in learning to walk, we all take our own time to begin to trust someone. It may take a few minutes, a few days, or a few years and there will definitely be people along the way that we know we will never be able to trust.
So I guess, for me, I am learning to walk when it comes to trust. I am slowly pulling myself up to stand on my own and I know I will get there in time. It might not be to day—and you know what? I am perfectly fine with going slow and feeling my way through this thing called trust.
Now, I am faced with the issue of trust again. When posed with a question of what I trust and why in a particular group of people, I froze. My mind began racing. What is trust? How do I know that I trust these women? I don’t think I have all the answers, but I do think I have begun to explore this unknown territory without restraint.
What is trust?
By definition (or one of them, since I found 24) trust means “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., or a person or thing; confidence.” In other words, being certain that a person or thing is honest, ethical, strong, and reliable—I think. As nice as that is, I don’t really think the idea of trust can be wrapped up in a nice little box like that. Trust is messy. It’s kind of like going into your closet and trying on all of your clothes when nothing fits. All the clothes seem to end up on the floor and it takes you twice as long to sort out the mess you made. I find a lot of things in my life to be this way, which makes life more difficult, but definitely more interesting.
How do I know when I trust someone?
Good question. I don’t think I have quite figured that out yet. You see, I am a very open person. I will share almost anything with someone if they ask because I am not sure how to say, “It’s none of your business,” in a nice way. But I am also very good at shutting people out and putting up a front to show people how strong and put together I am. While some of the time I am that put together, other times I am not. Figuring out when I am genuinely okay has been a struggle for me, but I am finally realizing that it is okay to be happy and strong as well as sad, lonely, and disappointed.
So does sharing all the intimate details about my life with someone mean that I trust that person? I tend to think not. For me, I think trust is more like a feeling—a journey per se—not a tangible destination. Kind of like a warm, fuzzy, hot-chocolate-going-down-your-throat feeling inside when we know that the people we are sharing our stories with will not intentionally judge, hurt, or abandon us without warning. For me this is hard—like climbing Mt. Everest hard. I have been hurt, judged, and abandoned by more people than I can count, which makes the feeling of trust harder to recognize each time that trust is broken by someone. So while, from the outside, it may look like I trust many, looks can be deceiving. So to answer my own question…How do I know that I trust someone? Honestly, I.don’t.know.
Each day I am growing, changing, and learning. I am discovering that it is okay to have the expectation that people are trustworthy and that not everyone will hurt me I the end. But that takes time. Think of a toddler learning to walk. She cannot start running on the first day. She must begin by leaning on objects/people for support. Then, gradually, she may take a few steps on her own, but will inevitably fall down. She may cry and be scared to get back up, but in her own time she always does. She takes comfort in knowing that there are others, who are older and more experienced, who are there to help her and to cheer her on. And just as every child takes her own time in learning to walk, we all take our own time to begin to trust someone. It may take a few minutes, a few days, or a few years and there will definitely be people along the way that we know we will never be able to trust.
So I guess, for me, I am learning to walk when it comes to trust. I am slowly pulling myself up to stand on my own and I know I will get there in time. It might not be to day—and you know what? I am perfectly fine with going slow and feeling my way through this thing called trust.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Life Ain't Always Beautiful...
A foolish girl once said that you know when you’re in recovery. That when you get there you will never go back. You will pick yourself up every time you fall. You will be amazingly, amazing (if that’s at all possible). And you will shine.
That girl was me.
Now I know the truth. I now know that even though recovery is an amazing place to be. It’s not actually a place. It’s a journey. There are times when you will plow forward running, not walking. And there will be times when you will take two baby steps forward and one gigantic step back. You will feel happy and alone and unappreciated all at the same time. And through it all you will wonder what is wrong with you because now you know what happiness; true, genuine happiness feels like.
I thought this would be it for me; that I would never struggle again. I looked down upon those who kept holding on and pretended they were okay. I looked them in the eye when they said they didn’t know what to do and told them that they did, but didn’t want to do it. I was one of those people who I despise. The people who think they are better than everyone because truly, I thought I was. I thought I had overcome this obstacle that life/God/the universe had thrown me, but little did I know that there was more to come. There is always more to come. And right now I honestly don’t know what to do.
Have you ever heard that song with the lyrics “the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time?” I have been listening to that song a lot lately and I truly believe there is a huge lesson to be learned. Everything that has brought me here has made me the person I am today. I am stronger, wiser, and happier because of the struggle, change, and time that I have gone through. And I know a month, a year, or 10 years from now I will be saying the same thing about this time in my life.
I am not perfect. And I no longer believe that I can have a perfect recovery--I can only have my own. I can choose to wake up each day and be happy to be alive or I can cry for all the things that aren’t going so well. And even on those days when I choose to be sad, I can still get up, take a breath, put one foot in front of the other, and tell myself that even if I don’t know what to do, everything will be okay. I will get there when the time is right.
At the beginning of the year, I made a Post-it wall. I wrote down things that I wanted to be mindful of throughout the year, things I wanted to accomplish. One of them is to apologize. I am not very good at admitting when I am wrong or when I have made a mistake. I try to avoid the situation or lie to make someone else look like they are to blame. I think I lie to myself the most. I hate getting constructive criticism and tell myself that people don’t really know what my life is like. That I am doing my best and that’s all I’ve got. But the truth is there is always room for self-improvement and this is my first step in that direction.
To everyone that I have lied to, told to suck it up, rolled my eyes at for the mere fact that you didn’t know “what to do,” I’m sorry. I have learned that life “ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.” And I’ve learned that sometimes you fall and it takes a long time to get back up, but sometimes just wanting to get back up is the first step.
We are all amazingly, amazing. We are all shining.
Even through the darkest times in life.
That girl was me.
Now I know the truth. I now know that even though recovery is an amazing place to be. It’s not actually a place. It’s a journey. There are times when you will plow forward running, not walking. And there will be times when you will take two baby steps forward and one gigantic step back. You will feel happy and alone and unappreciated all at the same time. And through it all you will wonder what is wrong with you because now you know what happiness; true, genuine happiness feels like.
I thought this would be it for me; that I would never struggle again. I looked down upon those who kept holding on and pretended they were okay. I looked them in the eye when they said they didn’t know what to do and told them that they did, but didn’t want to do it. I was one of those people who I despise. The people who think they are better than everyone because truly, I thought I was. I thought I had overcome this obstacle that life/God/the universe had thrown me, but little did I know that there was more to come. There is always more to come. And right now I honestly don’t know what to do.
Have you ever heard that song with the lyrics “the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time?” I have been listening to that song a lot lately and I truly believe there is a huge lesson to be learned. Everything that has brought me here has made me the person I am today. I am stronger, wiser, and happier because of the struggle, change, and time that I have gone through. And I know a month, a year, or 10 years from now I will be saying the same thing about this time in my life.
I am not perfect. And I no longer believe that I can have a perfect recovery--I can only have my own. I can choose to wake up each day and be happy to be alive or I can cry for all the things that aren’t going so well. And even on those days when I choose to be sad, I can still get up, take a breath, put one foot in front of the other, and tell myself that even if I don’t know what to do, everything will be okay. I will get there when the time is right.
At the beginning of the year, I made a Post-it wall. I wrote down things that I wanted to be mindful of throughout the year, things I wanted to accomplish. One of them is to apologize. I am not very good at admitting when I am wrong or when I have made a mistake. I try to avoid the situation or lie to make someone else look like they are to blame. I think I lie to myself the most. I hate getting constructive criticism and tell myself that people don’t really know what my life is like. That I am doing my best and that’s all I’ve got. But the truth is there is always room for self-improvement and this is my first step in that direction.
To everyone that I have lied to, told to suck it up, rolled my eyes at for the mere fact that you didn’t know “what to do,” I’m sorry. I have learned that life “ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.” And I’ve learned that sometimes you fall and it takes a long time to get back up, but sometimes just wanting to get back up is the first step.
We are all amazingly, amazing. We are all shining.
Even through the darkest times in life.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Facebook: Friend or Foe (Or should I say "Unfriend")
Main Entry: facebook
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a school yearbook
Usage: informal
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Main Entry: facebook
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a publication for an organization, such as a school or business, which helps members identify each other; also, an online version of this, with profiles including a picture, name, birthdate, interests, etc. FACEBOOK is a registered trademark of Facebook, Inc.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Facebook. It used to just be a school yearbook. Now, it is the latest fad. A place where people can connect with their old high school friends, lost lovers, or perhaps find their Thursday night Cabana Charley’s waiter. It has become an obsession. And I have been caught up in it.
But you already know this, so what’s the big deal? Why do I care so much? The big deal is me and how this “social networking” site has impacted my life. For better or worse, you ask? That’s for you to decide…
**********
As you know, in the beginning (when I first joined) Facebook was only for college students. It was used as a way to network with other college students attending your college or with students from around the country. Since then it has been opened to anyone 13 years of age or older. But, of course, there is no lie detector and it is relatively easy to lie about your age. You just change the birth year…
Now, Facebook is a place to brag about the latest happenings in your life or to let people know that you want to kill yourself and hope that that one person will notice. Seriously. I would know, I have done both.
This site has become more than “social networking.” It has become a Burn Book. You know, like in the movie Mean Girls. It’s a place where any thing goes….the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one really censors themselves anymore. Even though their grandmothers, aunts, uncles, church members, parents, and future employers could be reading.
There is a feature where you can go back and read all your status updates from the past year…Wow. I looked at mine and was floored. No joke. I think the words that came out of my mouth were, “No wonder people thought I was crazy.” I had no censor. I thought that this was one way that I could get the attention and help I desperately needed. But did it really help? Nope. It just got me locked up for my own good. Not exactly what I was looking for.
I guess the whole purpose of this entry is to look at what your motivations are. Why do you use Facebook or other sites of the sort? Are you doing it to play Farmville? Send people Bumper Stickers? Stalk an ex? Find out if your crush is single? Check up on your children? Look at drunken pictures? Connect with an old high school friend? Find the latest hook-up or party? Inspire people? Bring people down? Ask for help? Ignore your own problems by focusing on some one else’s?
Whatever your reason, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is, if you are spending your free time on Facebook worrying about other people’s lives, than you probably aren’t spending enough time worrying about and LIVING your own.
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a school yearbook
Usage: informal
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Main Entry: facebook
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a publication for an organization, such as a school or business, which helps members identify each other; also, an online version of this, with profiles including a picture, name, birthdate, interests, etc. FACEBOOK is a registered trademark of Facebook, Inc.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Facebook. It used to just be a school yearbook. Now, it is the latest fad. A place where people can connect with their old high school friends, lost lovers, or perhaps find their Thursday night Cabana Charley’s waiter. It has become an obsession. And I have been caught up in it.
But you already know this, so what’s the big deal? Why do I care so much? The big deal is me and how this “social networking” site has impacted my life. For better or worse, you ask? That’s for you to decide…
**********
As you know, in the beginning (when I first joined) Facebook was only for college students. It was used as a way to network with other college students attending your college or with students from around the country. Since then it has been opened to anyone 13 years of age or older. But, of course, there is no lie detector and it is relatively easy to lie about your age. You just change the birth year…
Now, Facebook is a place to brag about the latest happenings in your life or to let people know that you want to kill yourself and hope that that one person will notice. Seriously. I would know, I have done both.
This site has become more than “social networking.” It has become a Burn Book. You know, like in the movie Mean Girls. It’s a place where any thing goes….the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one really censors themselves anymore. Even though their grandmothers, aunts, uncles, church members, parents, and future employers could be reading.
There is a feature where you can go back and read all your status updates from the past year…Wow. I looked at mine and was floored. No joke. I think the words that came out of my mouth were, “No wonder people thought I was crazy.” I had no censor. I thought that this was one way that I could get the attention and help I desperately needed. But did it really help? Nope. It just got me locked up for my own good. Not exactly what I was looking for.
I guess the whole purpose of this entry is to look at what your motivations are. Why do you use Facebook or other sites of the sort? Are you doing it to play Farmville? Send people Bumper Stickers? Stalk an ex? Find out if your crush is single? Check up on your children? Look at drunken pictures? Connect with an old high school friend? Find the latest hook-up or party? Inspire people? Bring people down? Ask for help? Ignore your own problems by focusing on some one else’s?
Whatever your reason, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is, if you are spending your free time on Facebook worrying about other people’s lives, than you probably aren’t spending enough time worrying about and LIVING your own.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Pure Michigan
As you probably already noticed (and questioned) the title of my blog is What's Your Michigan? It took me a few days, a lot of sleep, and plenty of coffee to finally settle on this name. I think it fits nicely. As you read, I think it will become apparent why I chose the title I did.
A very wise woman once told me that I should go to Michigan. Just get up and go. Pack a lunch, get in the car and just drive until I reach that state that the commercials call Pure Michigan. I never really understood her fascination with Michigan, nor did I ever want to travel there. I am very comfortable in my little box of a life and I like it the way it is. I have never been much for travel or spontaneity and prefer to stay in on a Friday night. So when the topic of conversation changed to both, I basically tuned out. But as she kept talking about her recent adventure to that great state, I began to listen and entertain the possibility that maybe going to Michigan wasn’t such a bad idea. The adventure of the drive, the solitude of the beach, and the taste of independence that the trip gave her sounded amazing. Taking a day off from life to just be with myself, my thoughts, and nature wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe it would even give me the motivation I needed to push forward a little more. And hey, maybe I would learn something new in the process.
I haven’t taken that trip yet and who knows, maybe I never will, but maybe, just maybe she wasn’t just talking about Michigan. Maybe she was talking about the feeling that it gave her. The feeling of peace, adventure, and spontaneity all rolled into one. Maybe she was asking me to look inside myself and discover what Michigan meant for me.
The past few days, I have been trying to define my Michigan. I have been trying to uncover what event.place.thing.idea that would give me those same feelings. And I think I have found it.
Writing.
That’s it. Just the act of putting my thoughts.ideas.words onto paper. I never really thought that the answer would be so simple. I thought that I needed to find something elaborate to put my time and energy to, like going on a road trip. But the truth is, it’s not the size of the event.place.thing.idea that makes the difference, it’s the size of the feeing it gives you when you do it. A positive.negative.unknown feeling, it doesn’t matter, as long as it makes you feel meaningful. I think they call it passion.
So the next time you hear the Pure Michigan commercial, stop. Take a breath. Listen. Hop in your car. Drive. And don’t stop until you get there.
Michigan.
Because in the end this is the only life you get. Find what makes it meaningful. And then drive like hell until you’ve found it.
What's your Michigan?
A very wise woman once told me that I should go to Michigan. Just get up and go. Pack a lunch, get in the car and just drive until I reach that state that the commercials call Pure Michigan. I never really understood her fascination with Michigan, nor did I ever want to travel there. I am very comfortable in my little box of a life and I like it the way it is. I have never been much for travel or spontaneity and prefer to stay in on a Friday night. So when the topic of conversation changed to both, I basically tuned out. But as she kept talking about her recent adventure to that great state, I began to listen and entertain the possibility that maybe going to Michigan wasn’t such a bad idea. The adventure of the drive, the solitude of the beach, and the taste of independence that the trip gave her sounded amazing. Taking a day off from life to just be with myself, my thoughts, and nature wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe it would even give me the motivation I needed to push forward a little more. And hey, maybe I would learn something new in the process.
I haven’t taken that trip yet and who knows, maybe I never will, but maybe, just maybe she wasn’t just talking about Michigan. Maybe she was talking about the feeling that it gave her. The feeling of peace, adventure, and spontaneity all rolled into one. Maybe she was asking me to look inside myself and discover what Michigan meant for me.
The past few days, I have been trying to define my Michigan. I have been trying to uncover what event.place.thing.idea that would give me those same feelings. And I think I have found it.
Writing.
That’s it. Just the act of putting my thoughts.ideas.words onto paper. I never really thought that the answer would be so simple. I thought that I needed to find something elaborate to put my time and energy to, like going on a road trip. But the truth is, it’s not the size of the event.place.thing.idea that makes the difference, it’s the size of the feeing it gives you when you do it. A positive.negative.unknown feeling, it doesn’t matter, as long as it makes you feel meaningful. I think they call it passion.
So the next time you hear the Pure Michigan commercial, stop. Take a breath. Listen. Hop in your car. Drive. And don’t stop until you get there.
Michigan.
Because in the end this is the only life you get. Find what makes it meaningful. And then drive like hell until you’ve found it.
What's your Michigan?
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