This is For Me.

Something happened to me today. Something that I want to shout from the rooftops, but will refrain from doing. Instead, I will blog. I will write about it until I am blue in the face (well, hands, I guess) because I can. And for once I don’t really care if anyone is listening because that’s not what it’s about. This is not about pride or attention or wishing that someone would notice me.

Nope.
Not at all.
This is for me.

Of course I could write about many things. I could write about the job I hate, the people who continually criticize me, the fact that my dad is not my father, and countless other negative things that are creating chaos in my life. I could whine and complain and pity myself until the cows come home, but I won’t.

No thanks. I think I’ll take a different spin on this.

I think I’ll write about something amazing. Something so profound, so earth-shattering, yet so small. Something that made my day, my week, maybe even my year. Something that I will remember forever.

So now you’re probably wondering what the big hype is… What could be so great that happened today? Because, let’s be honest, my life isn’t really that amazing.

Let me tell you….. It all began with a mirror.

For countless years I walked around obsessed with mirrors. And by obsessed I don’t mean “like.” Trust me, I wanted to get away. I wanted to just stop looking all together, to not care, but I couldn’t. Just like the scale, I used the mirror to determine my worth. How did I look? What about my hair? My skin? My eyebrows? Was it too fat? Too sunken in? Let me tell you I wanted to scream every time I looked. I always saw some imperfection, some flaw that made me ugly.

Eventually looking in the mirror also became a means of trying to find myself. Every time I looked I didn’t know who I saw. I was always the “girl with the eating disorder,” or the “fat girl,” or the “girl who always cried.” I was able to look past the imperfections, but only to see the pain, hurt, and suffering that was going on in my life. I didn’t know what a genuine smile looked like and I didn’t know how to connect with the person behind those eyes.

Even recently I have seen myself as Kat “the girl who is in recovery from an eating disorder.” Or Kat “the girl who sucks at her job and recovery and her life.” Or Kat “the girl with no real dad and a mom who only cares about her getting a job.” I could go on and on with the labels that I put upon myself. Yes, labels I put on myself. I believe no one can tell you who or what you are. Every time you see yourself as a certain label it is because YOU see that within yourself. YOU believe those messages from others, whether they are true or not. YOU choose to be seen that way. In the same light, YOU can take those labels away.

But I digress. I guess my point in all of this is that I continued to look in the mirror and used it as a judgment tool. Am I good enough? How do people perceive me?

You know what? WHO CARES?

Currently I am reading a book entitled “The Book of Awesome” by Neil Pasricha. As you can probably tell from the title…it is awesome. Basically, it is a book of simple pleasures, you might say. Things that we take for granted that really are awesome because we know how annoying it is when things that are awesome don’t happen quite as awesomely. For example, when a cashier opens a new line up and you are the first person in the new line. How many times has this happened to you? I am sure not enough, but really do you even remember? I don’t, but I know that when I am stuck in that really long check-out line and my frozen food is melting and the checker has to do a price check or grab a new item because the customer grabbed one without a tag, I am dying for that new lane to open. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is…

AWESOME!

Reading this book has gotten me to think of the awesome things that have gone on throughout my day that aren’t big, but make it more fun or give me a laugh or make me say… AWESOME!

I don’t really know how that ties back to the mirror thing, but just play along.

Today I was in the bathroom at work washing my hands, when I looked up. I glanced in the mirror, smiled, and saw it. For the first time I saw Kat.

Just Kat. K-a-t. No labels, no pain, no strings attached. Just me.

And you know what I thought…

This is absolutely AWESOME!

{Check it out! 1000awesomethings.com}

Trust: The Art of Balance

In trust there is a fine line between having too much and not having enough. In life, we are constantly battling to find that middle ground where we can trust another in the right circumstances at the right times. I have struggled with trust my entire life and wondered when I would finally learn the art of balance. I either trusted people too much—shared intimate details about my life with complete strangers just because they inquired—or I shut people out completely. I think I just wanted someone to care.

Now, I am faced with the issue of trust again. When posed with a question of what I trust and why in a particular group of people, I froze. My mind began racing. What is trust? How do I know that I trust these women? I don’t think I have all the answers, but I do think I have begun to explore this unknown territory without restraint.

What is trust?

By definition (or one of them, since I found 24) trust means “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., or a person or thing; confidence.” In other words, being certain that a person or thing is honest, ethical, strong, and reliable—I think. As nice as that is, I don’t really think the idea of trust can be wrapped up in a nice little box like that. Trust is messy. It’s kind of like going into your closet and trying on all of your clothes when nothing fits. All the clothes seem to end up on the floor and it takes you twice as long to sort out the mess you made. I find a lot of things in my life to be this way, which makes life more difficult, but definitely more interesting.

How do I know when I trust someone?

Good question. I don’t think I have quite figured that out yet. You see, I am a very open person. I will share almost anything with someone if they ask because I am not sure how to say, “It’s none of your business,” in a nice way. But I am also very good at shutting people out and putting up a front to show people how strong and put together I am. While some of the time I am that put together, other times I am not. Figuring out when I am genuinely okay has been a struggle for me, but I am finally realizing that it is okay to be happy and strong as well as sad, lonely, and disappointed.

So does sharing all the intimate details about my life with someone mean that I trust that person? I tend to think not. For me, I think trust is more like a feeling—a journey per se—not a tangible destination. Kind of like a warm, fuzzy, hot-chocolate-going-down-your-throat feeling inside when we know that the people we are sharing our stories with will not intentionally judge, hurt, or abandon us without warning. For me this is hard—like climbing Mt. Everest hard. I have been hurt, judged, and abandoned by more people than I can count, which makes the feeling of trust harder to recognize each time that trust is broken by someone. So while, from the outside, it may look like I trust many, looks can be deceiving. So to answer my own question…How do I know that I trust someone? Honestly, I.don’t.know.

Each day I am growing, changing, and learning. I am discovering that it is okay to have the expectation that people are trustworthy and that not everyone will hurt me I the end. But that takes time. Think of a toddler learning to walk. She cannot start running on the first day. She must begin by leaning on objects/people for support. Then, gradually, she may take a few steps on her own, but will inevitably fall down. She may cry and be scared to get back up, but in her own time she always does. She takes comfort in knowing that there are others, who are older and more experienced, who are there to help her and to cheer her on. And just as every child takes her own time in learning to walk, we all take our own time to begin to trust someone. It may take a few minutes, a few days, or a few years and there will definitely be people along the way that we know we will never be able to trust.

So I guess, for me, I am learning to walk when it comes to trust. I am slowly pulling myself up to stand on my own and I know I will get there in time. It might not be to day—and you know what? I am perfectly fine with going slow and feeling my way through this thing called trust.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful...

A foolish girl once said that you know when you’re in recovery. That when you get there you will never go back. You will pick yourself up every time you fall. You will be amazingly, amazing (if that’s at all possible). And you will shine.

That girl was me.

Now I know the truth. I now know that even though recovery is an amazing place to be. It’s not actually a place. It’s a journey. There are times when you will plow forward running, not walking. And there will be times when you will take two baby steps forward and one gigantic step back. You will feel happy and alone and unappreciated all at the same time. And through it all you will wonder what is wrong with you because now you know what happiness; true, genuine happiness feels like.

I thought this would be it for me; that I would never struggle again. I looked down upon those who kept holding on and pretended they were okay. I looked them in the eye when they said they didn’t know what to do and told them that they did, but didn’t want to do it. I was one of those people who I despise. The people who think they are better than everyone because truly, I thought I was. I thought I had overcome this obstacle that life/God/the universe had thrown me, but little did I know that there was more to come. There is always more to come. And right now I honestly don’t know what to do.

Have you ever heard that song with the lyrics “the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time?” I have been listening to that song a lot lately and I truly believe there is a huge lesson to be learned. Everything that has brought me here has made me the person I am today. I am stronger, wiser, and happier because of the struggle, change, and time that I have gone through. And I know a month, a year, or 10 years from now I will be saying the same thing about this time in my life.

I am not perfect. And I no longer believe that I can have a perfect recovery--I can only have my own. I can choose to wake up each day and be happy to be alive or I can cry for all the things that aren’t going so well. And even on those days when I choose to be sad, I can still get up, take a breath, put one foot in front of the other, and tell myself that even if I don’t know what to do, everything will be okay. I will get there when the time is right.

At the beginning of the year, I made a Post-it wall. I wrote down things that I wanted to be mindful of throughout the year, things I wanted to accomplish. One of them is to apologize. I am not very good at admitting when I am wrong or when I have made a mistake. I try to avoid the situation or lie to make someone else look like they are to blame. I think I lie to myself the most. I hate getting constructive criticism and tell myself that people don’t really know what my life is like. That I am doing my best and that’s all I’ve got. But the truth is there is always room for self-improvement and this is my first step in that direction.

To everyone that I have lied to, told to suck it up, rolled my eyes at for the mere fact that you didn’t know “what to do,” I’m sorry. I have learned that life “ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.” And I’ve learned that sometimes you fall and it takes a long time to get back up, but sometimes just wanting to get back up is the first step.

We are all amazingly, amazing. We are all shining.
Even through the darkest times in life.

Facebook: Friend or Foe (Or should I say "Unfriend")

Main Entry: facebook
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a school yearbook
Usage: informal
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Main Entry: facebook
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a publication for an organization, such as a school or business, which helps members identify each other; also, an online version of this, with profiles including a picture, name, birthdate, interests, etc. FACEBOOK is a registered trademark of Facebook, Inc.
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Facebook. It used to just be a school yearbook. Now, it is the latest fad. A place where people can connect with their old high school friends, lost lovers, or perhaps find their Thursday night Cabana Charley’s waiter. It has become an obsession. And I have been caught up in it.

But you already know this, so what’s the big deal? Why do I care so much? The big deal is me and how this “social networking” site has impacted my life. For better or worse, you ask? That’s for you to decide…

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As you know, in the beginning (when I first joined) Facebook was only for college students. It was used as a way to network with other college students attending your college or with students from around the country. Since then it has been opened to anyone 13 years of age or older. But, of course, there is no lie detector and it is relatively easy to lie about your age. You just change the birth year…

Now, Facebook is a place to brag about the latest happenings in your life or to let people know that you want to kill yourself and hope that that one person will notice. Seriously. I would know, I have done both.

This site has become more than “social networking.” It has become a Burn Book. You know, like in the movie Mean Girls. It’s a place where any thing goes….the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one really censors themselves anymore. Even though their grandmothers, aunts, uncles, church members, parents, and future employers could be reading.

There is a feature where you can go back and read all your status updates from the past year…Wow. I looked at mine and was floored. No joke. I think the words that came out of my mouth were, “No wonder people thought I was crazy.” I had no censor. I thought that this was one way that I could get the attention and help I desperately needed. But did it really help? Nope. It just got me locked up for my own good. Not exactly what I was looking for.

I guess the whole purpose of this entry is to look at what your motivations are. Why do you use Facebook or other sites of the sort? Are you doing it to play Farmville? Send people Bumper Stickers? Stalk an ex? Find out if your crush is single? Check up on your children? Look at drunken pictures? Connect with an old high school friend? Find the latest hook-up or party? Inspire people? Bring people down? Ask for help? Ignore your own problems by focusing on some one else’s?

Whatever your reason, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is, if you are spending your free time on Facebook worrying about other people’s lives, than you probably aren’t spending enough time worrying about and LIVING your own.

Pure Michigan

As you probably already noticed (and questioned) the title of my blog is What's Your Michigan? It took me a few days, a lot of sleep, and plenty of coffee to finally settle on this name. I think it fits nicely. As you read, I think it will become apparent why I chose the title I did.

A very wise woman once told me that I should go to Michigan. Just get up and go. Pack a lunch, get in the car and just drive until I reach that state that the commercials call Pure Michigan. I never really understood her fascination with Michigan, nor did I ever want to travel there. I am very comfortable in my little box of a life and I like it the way it is. I have never been much for travel or spontaneity and prefer to stay in on a Friday night. So when the topic of conversation changed to both, I basically tuned out. But as she kept talking about her recent adventure to that great state, I began to listen and entertain the possibility that maybe going to Michigan wasn’t such a bad idea. The adventure of the drive, the solitude of the beach, and the taste of independence that the trip gave her sounded amazing. Taking a day off from life to just be with myself, my thoughts, and nature wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe it would even give me the motivation I needed to push forward a little more. And hey, maybe I would learn something new in the process.

I haven’t taken that trip yet and who knows, maybe I never will, but maybe, just maybe she wasn’t just talking about Michigan. Maybe she was talking about the feeling that it gave her. The feeling of peace, adventure, and spontaneity all rolled into one. Maybe she was asking me to look inside myself and discover what Michigan meant for me.

The past few days, I have been trying to define my Michigan. I have been trying to uncover what event.place.thing.idea that would give me those same feelings. And I think I have found it.

Writing.

That’s it. Just the act of putting my thoughts.ideas.words onto paper. I never really thought that the answer would be so simple. I thought that I needed to find something elaborate to put my time and energy to, like going on a road trip. But the truth is, it’s not the size of the event.place.thing.idea that makes the difference, it’s the size of the feeing it gives you when you do it. A positive.negative.unknown feeling, it doesn’t matter, as long as it makes you feel meaningful. I think they call it passion.

So the next time you hear the Pure Michigan commercial, stop. Take a breath. Listen. Hop in your car. Drive. And don’t stop until you get there.

Michigan.

Because in the end this is the only life you get. Find what makes it meaningful. And then drive like hell until you’ve found it.

What's your Michigan?

Inspiration

E is amazing. She has spunk. She is wise beyond her years. She is my person. Everyone has a person. You know, someone who "gets" you and inspires you to be great. Or at least encourages you to get off your ass and get on with your life. E is the inspiration for this blog.