one.step.at.a.time

I haven’t written since the end of August… It is now October and the smell of fall is in the air. Time to get writing!!!

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year. It is a season of change and couldn’t we all use a little change in our lives? I know I could.

This season has brought about many changes for me: Living at home.A new boyfriend.Being the caretaker for my mother.A new job.Pondering a career change.Thinking about writing a book. All of these things have both positive and negative effects as all events of change do. Sometimes we don’t know how to feel about something that seems so great, but yet brings us so much stress.

Take the career change…
I have been thinking for awhile that I may not want to be a teacher for the
rest of my life. Shocking, huh? It was for me too. Don’t get me wrong…I love
kids and I definitely like the job I have right now, but something is
missing.

Passion.

It’s as simple as that. My passion is not what it once was. I keep asking myself, “What if I’m meant to do so much more?” And in my mind, if I am asking myself that question than there must be something else out there for me. But in thinking about all of the greatness I could accomplish in this new endeavor, I also think about how many things could go wrong. What if I fail? What if I don’t have the money to go back to school? What if I never find something I’m passionate about? What if…{You fill in the blank.}

Someone told me recently that I have so many great ideas and instead of taking them one step at a time, I get so overwhelmed that I do nothing. As much as I wanted to disagree with her, I couldn’t. She was absolutely right. I want to do so much and be amazing at so many things that I forget the here and now. I forget that my life is passing me by while I plan and plan and plan my life in my head.

So today’s the day I stop. Today I’ll live for today and realize that my lifelong career plan, or life plan for that matter, will not get worked right now. That’s not to say that I can’t take small steps to make the changes I want to me. It just means I don’t have to do it all. As a friend of mine used to say, “Gray is my favorite color.”

So remember this quote from one of my first entries…
“But the truth is, it’s not the size of the event.place.thing.idea that makes the difference, it’s the size of the feeing it gives you when you do it. A positive.negative.unknown feeling, it doesn’t matter, as long as it makes you feel meaningful. I think they call it passion.”

I’ll make it there….I’m sure of it. It will just take a little more soul-searching, persistence, and taking it one.step.at.a.time.

Cooler Than Me

You got designer shades just to hide your face
And you wear them around like you're cooler than me.
And you never say hey or remember my name.
Its probably cuz, you think you're cooler than me.

You got your high brows; shoes on your feet,
And you wear them around like they ain’t shit.
But you don’t know the way that you look
when your steps make
That

Much

Noise.


To the people who have hurt me, never believed in me, or just looked past me like I didn’t matter:

…This is for you.

I used to think you were the ones who mattered. The ones who would decide if I would be good enough. The ones that I wanted to be like. I lived to impress you because I thought I would find me through you. I thought I could disguise myself so well that I would transform into something great when I was around you. I thought I would have friends and loves and fun.

I was wrong.

You were the ones that helped me to lose myself even more. You were the ones who pretended to like me or put up with me because you thought you had to. No one wanted to be the reason why I hurt myself.

I am not here to blame or to judge. We were young and naïve. We didn’t know any better…or did we? I guess we’ll never know. And truly, I don’t really want to know. I want to believe that we were just stupid back then.

Truthfully, I am somewhat thankful for my past. It has been a long hard road to get me to where I am today, but I wouldn’t be me without it. I wouldn’t know who I want to be without meeting the people I know I don’t want to be like. I think we learn that the most…what we don’t want to be.

Now I know that I don’t want to be hurtful, judgmental, passive, or jealous. I don’t want to be a show-off. I don’t want to be someone I’m not. I just want to be Kat. The girl who loves life. The girl who wants to be something amazing when she grows up, but won’t kill herself trying to be perfect. I want to love and be loved, wear a bathing suit in public, laugh, scream, cry, and dance. I want to live with purpose and walk with intention. I just want to matter. And I do. But not because some one likes me or hates me or talks to me or doesn’t. I matter because I am human. Because I have the chance to wake up every day and do something different than the last.

So next time you pretend like you don’t know me (or someone else for that matter), remember that I am a person too. I matter just as much as you do. And do me a favor… just take a step back for a minute and think about how you look. Think about what a bitch you look like for doing what you’re doing. But also remember that I really don’t care anymore. I have moved on and am living my life while you are worried about ignoring me.


But you don’t know the way that you look
when your steps make
That

Much

Noise.

Shh.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

When I woke up this morning I didn’t know what I was in for—we never do. We get up, shower, dress, beautify ourselves for the world, hope that no one notices our flaws or body, and walk out the door ready (or not) for the day. We hope it turns out for the best, but in reality it could be the worst day of our lives. The only thing we can do to prepare is to live life to the absolute fullest… Take every chance that is given, say yes when you would have said no, laugh, cry, scream if that’s what you have to do to show that you have passion. But most of all, be true to yourself and be genuine to those around you. I think that’s all anyone can ever ask of themselves.

For me, today started out rough. I got up early to prepare for my new work schedule that begins next week. I had every intention of staying awake and doing something productive, but that didn’t happen. I fell back asleep and woke up later than usual, causing me to have to rush in the self-care practices I have put into place to keep me functioning. Then I found out that my clothes never magically made it into the dryer and I didn’t have any of my favorite clothes to wear to work. I was stuck in either dress clothes or jeans that are uncomfortable and not really the right size. I opted for the jeans. On the way to work I hit every construction zone and red light imaginable. Needless to say, I was late.

After a lot of toy putting-together and a 3.5 hour training that meant nothing to me, I was exhausted. I felt “fat” in my jeans, which led me to feel angry about my body, weight, size, etc. All of this angst was escalated by traffic on the way to more appointments and feeling rushed again. By this time I was pretty caught up in myself and my own problems. Now you have to realize that this isn’t very difficult for me to do. I get worked up about things pretty easily, especially when I feel unheard and unappreciated.

When I walked into my group tonight, I again didn’t know what I was in for. Usually, I end up leaving these appointments more angry/sad/bitter than when I came and am beginning to question if it is even worth it. But that is a story for another time… I thought it would be the usual check-in to see how everybody is and I was ready to say that I was doing fine and then move on. I was ready to throw my chance of speaking up and saying how I feel out the window just to regret it later. So instead…

I said it.

Just like that I said how I felt. It took a lot of reassuring myself in my head, but I did it because I knew it would be worse if I didn’t. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Someone would be mad at me. I think at this stage in the game if I can’t handle someone being mad at me than I haven’t come as far as I thought. Of course, what I wanted to say didn’t come out exactly the way I wanted it to, but then again, I don’t think it ever will. Most people always think of something better to say after they’ve said it, but that doesn’t stop everyone from saying how they feel.

For me, this step was huge. It may not seem like a lot, but it was. It’s so amazing how something so small can change someone’s outlook that much. You know what? After I talked about how I was feeling and just put all my cards out on the table, I felt much better about my day.

Life isn’t about choosing whether to wear a swimsuit in public or not. Life is about being pissed off and scared shitless to put that bathing suit on, but doing it anyway because you know it will be worth it. In 10 years no one is going to remember what I looked like in my bathing suit on August 23rd, 2010.


I guarantee it.


So whatever your bathing suit is, I challenge you to put it on this week. Love who you are for a moment. And let me know how it goes.

Where to Begin?

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you could almost feel it? Feel that overwhelming feeling that comes over you when you finally have everything that you have ever wanted? That moment in time when the world stops and you feel complete?

To me that is the best feeling in the world. It is the moment when I feel like all my hard work has paid off. The moment when I can breathe that sigh of relief and know that I have accomplished one more thing on this journey called life.

For me, that feeling has been lacking. I feel like I have been working so hard to get my life together, but no one sees it. I get pushed because I have “more potential” than others so therefore need to work harder. But each time I exceed those expectations the bar is raised again.

When will it be my turn to succeed? To be recognized for all this hard work I have done?

As hard as it is to say and feel in my heart, I think the answer has to come from me.

Today I got some perspective on this issue. Okay, actually I got everything I said previously thrown back in my face. At first, I was angry that I wasn’t being heard (again) and ready to close the door on that relationship, but then I did some carthinking (thinking while in the car, driving…the best place for it). I realized that what I was being told was exactly right. Maybe it’s me that needs to do the recognizing. Maybe it’s me that has to be the main character in the movie that finally steps up. (Thanks, Chloe & E). As always, I have the key to my own destiny, so to speak, and I can make it whatever the heck I want it to be.

Just because so-and-so is doing such-and-such and I am not does NOT mean that I am not good enough. Just because they get to be on TV does NOT mean that I am any farther behind. It just means that it wasn’t meant to be. Something else bigger and better is coming along and when it is my “turn,” it will be amazing because I waited that much longer.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It’s about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice.”

This is the quote on my desktop background. I look at it everyday, several times a day, but I forget to apply it. I can be angry about what I didn’t get to do. I can scream and cry and break down. But in the midst of all that I can still be excited and happy and anxious for what lies ahead because it will be worth the wait. Plus I have a lot of good in my life right now. I have a great job that I love, I have a best friend who means the world to be, I am living the life I never thought I could have. The list goes on and on.

But I think it is still important for me to remember that I can be angry. I don’t always have to be the strong, positive, happy one. Those things will always be there and I won’t let anything take those away from me. Anger is an emotion with a beginning, middle, and end. There is an end.

So really, I AM angry.

But I am also damn proud of myself for all the work I have done. And even though others aren’t recognizing it in the way I want them to, I am.

I am good enough for myself and really, in the long run, that’s all that matters.

Limitations

Tonight we were talking about limitations. The limitations we put on ourselves. The limitations others put on us. And the limitations that society implies on a daily basis. This got me thinking of the limitations.excuses.justifications that I tell myself constantly. I think we all do this to some degree and by the time we figure out what we are doing (if we realize at all) it is too late to go back. Now, I did not come up with this logic on my own and I do not want to take credit for what is not mine, but I do believe it one hundred percent, which is why I am writing about it. My challenge was to think about what I would not be afraid to do.say.think if I were back in kindergarten. I changed this a bit and challenged myself to write down all the limitations I give myself and then go through them one by one to change the way I look at the situation. So here goes…

1. I graduated from college with a 4.0, but I am not that smart….it was easy for me so it doesn’t count.
2. I am not going to do ______ because I don’t do that sort of thing.
3. I am not a writer or good a writing because I didn’t go to school for it.
4. I can only be a teacher because changing my career would be too much work and schooling.
5. I am a good person, but not that good.
6. Why would people want to be friends with me?
7. I can’t do _______ because I will fail.
8. I can’t say _______ because people will judge me, hate me, criticize me.
9. I can’t wear ______ because it doesn’t fit my body the right way.

I am sure there are more, but of course when I sit down to write I can’t think of any. But you understand my point.

We are all constantly battling this voice that gives a “but” or “because” to every statement that could be affirming to ourselves. It makes me so angry to not only realize that I do this to myself, but that other people do it to themselves as well. Or that the world teaches us to do these things from a very young age.

I think back to all the messages I have received (verbally and non-verbally) that have taught me how to act.speak.think in the “right” way. Who’s to say what is right or wrong? Who makes all the rules? I can proudly stand up and be confident when saying that I make the rules of my own life. I have the right to say.do.think.feel what I want to. Yes, I may make some poor decisions, say something that might offend someone, use a tone in which people react negatively to, or come across like a snob. And I may do this frequently, but it’s okay. If someone doesn’t like me because I say something completely appropriate and they take it in the wrong way…that is on them. If someone thinks I am a liar because I say I am a writer, but they don’t approve…I don’t need their approval.

I am my own person and I deserve to be here. I deserve to have a voice. I deserve to make mistakes choices others don’t approve of. I deserve to be Kat with no strings attached. And you deserve to be you.

What limitations.excuses.justifications will you leave out of your life today?

The Drive of Your Life

Most people say, “Life is what you make it.” You have the choice, the drive, the passion—whatever to make your life anything you want it to be. You are in the driver’s seat and only you know where you’re going. But what about those of us who are living life in the passenger’s seats? You know the type…backseat drivers, navigators, screaming children in the car seat, sullen teenagers tuned out from the rest of the car, people asking, “When are we gonna get there? I’m hungry. I have to use the bathroom. I think I’m going to be sick…”

I’m sure if I asked each and every one of you, you could all name someone in your life who fits each one of the descriptions I just mentioned. I know I can and I know that I would probably, at least some of the time, name myself as one of them. So, what does our place in the car say about us as people? I think this description about us speaks louder than words ever could. For example…


The Backseat Driver:
We all know at least one of these in our lives. You know, the mother who sits in the backseat and pretends not to care about what’s going on and then all of a sudden…she is screaming about how you are going too fast or you need be in a different lane, or “Can’t you hear that? Your turn signal is still on!” But then when you ask if she would like to drive {so she will just “shut up, already!”} she responds by saying something like, “Oh, no, you’re doing a great job.” Right…

These are the kind of people who direct everybody else’s lives, but not their own. They want to stand out from the crowd and take charge, but only when it pertains to someone else. I admit that I am one of these people. I am literally a backseat {or front seat or any-seat-in-the-car) diver in the car as well as in my life. It is always so easy to see the mistakes that others are making and to give advice {or demands, really) on how they can fix them. But personally, I HATE backseat drivers when I am driving. Who are you to tell me that I don’t know what I am doing? I think us backseat drivers just need a little focus and a little compassion for the people around us. We need to take that energy and put it into something to make our lives amazing.


The Navigator:
These are the people that we need in our lives. The people with the road map {or Mapquest directions or GPS} that let us know how to get to where we want to be. Navigators have a hard job. They have to know where we want to go, how long it will take to get there, how to read a map {or follow simple instructions}, and tell us where to turn at exactly the right time. They also have to put up with the drivers asking them a million questions and then hoping they have the right answers so they don’t get yelled at.

I like to think of the navigator as the driver’s best friend. The one she always counts on to be right there and ready for anything. The navigator is usually willing to be along for the ride and like what she is doing, even if she may not be so good at it. But the navigator is also the person who is too busy helping everyone else out to worry about herself. She is answering questions about other people’s lives and directing them to where they need to be. She is holding on to that control because she is afraid of trusting someone else to get the caravan to where they need to be. But what about her? Where is she going in her life? It can’t be much fun planning everyone else’s trips all the time without planning some for herself once in awhile. So to all you navigators out there…grab your own navigator and plan a fabulous trip somewhere that you really want to go and make them tell you how to get there. And about the control…try and let it go. Life is no fun without mistakes, adventure, and driving through the middle-of-nowhere without a clue as to where you are.


Screaming Children:
Now, I don’t have children of my own, but I have taken care of my share of kids. I know that when a small child does not get what he wants, he will be angry, and he will let you know. I also know that the car is a place where most children either fall asleep or scream because being strapped into a seat and given toys to play with is just not a desirable choice. Plus, the toys keep falling on the floor {okay, they were dropped…purposefully} and he needs a way of getting them back.

The screaming children in the car are the ones who will never be happy with what they have...ever. The grass is always greener on the other side and that grass isn’t as green as the grass 2 doors down. You get the picture. These people are too worried about what they don’t have that they forget what they do have. That child in the car seat has parents that love him, a car to get from place to place, toys, a home, friends, clothes; but all he can think about is that he is strapped into a seat and can’t get his toy off the floor. Obviously, at this age children cannot comprehend anything but this, but in life we adults can. Life is beautiful if you just look around and notice all you have. Make a list and you will see how great things are, even if life is crumbling around you. Plus, no one wants to hear you whine and complain. They might just drop you off on the side of the road…


Sullen Teenagers:
This is not to say that all teenagers are like this, but you know the type I am talking about. The ones that are wearing headphones with their music turned up as loud as they can tolerate, looking out the window, and conveying to everyone driving by that they are pissed at the world. They don’t answer when you try and talk to them and you can tell that they were dragged along because “this is a family vacation and you’re going to like it!”

I was probably one of these teenagers at some point in my life. I think a lot of us were. Too busy to spend time with our family because they “drive us crazy” and “our friends won’t like us if we don’t go to that party/concert/game.” The truth is, if they don’t like you for that then what kids of friend were they in the first place? Life is short. Too short to waste it being depressed over things that don’t really matter in the end. Spend time with the people who love you {and who you love}, make memories {good ones} to last a lifetime, and make the most about the situation you’re in. If you don’t like it, change it. If you can’t change it change how you look at it. It’s fascinating to see how life looks when you’re looking through glasses of a different color.


The Questioners:
Have you even been on a road trip with that bubbly 8-year-girl who can’t sit still? Who is so excited to get where you’re going that she can’t help but ask {a million times}”When are we gonna be there?” Can’t you just picture her in her pigtails, with her big toothy grin, about to bounce right off of her seat because she can’t contain herself? I know I can.

This type of people are cute {for awhile}. They seem to have so much fire inside and just can’t wait to get where they are going in life. But while they busy focusing on their destination, they are missing the journey. The scenery, the conversation, their favorite song playing on the radio. I heard a quote this morning said by John Lennon: “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” I think this quote fits perfectly. That little girl is so excited planning in her head what the trip will be like once they get there that she forgets that I trip began the minute she packed her suitcase, got in the car, and began driving. Stop planning. Enjoy the ride. And remember that the moments you spend in your head planning for the greatest adventure of your life are the ones you lose while you’re on that adventure.


So while I truly believe that life is what you make it, I also believe that life makes you. Your experiences mold you into the person you are in the present moment. Whether that be the Questioner, Navigator, or Sullen Teenager. The choices you make and the reactions you have to what life throws at you are what make you. So what are you waiting for? Load up the car, hop in the driver’s seat, and hit the road. Because driving the car of your own life is pretty sweet. You get to pick the people you ride with, the music you listen to, and how fast you go. :)

Hope

Tonight was supposed to be a very moving, emotional, hopeful evening, but I didn’t really get that feeling. Maybe I’m in a different place than most or maybe I’m just a bitch. Either way, I’m admitting it and that’s all that counts, right?

Anyway, tonight was about recovery, a subject that I am very passionate about and fought very hard for. It was about hope through grieving, loss, love, and strength. It was about community. It was about a community that I feel I have lost all ties to. A community in which I do not connect to as much as I think I should. A community that screams about acceptance and love, but doesn’t always practice what it preaches.

A lot of what I heard tonight was meant to be hopeful. It was about life after struggling for a long time and finally finding yourself. Loving yourself just the way you are, being imperfect, fighting for what you believe in….any positive message that could be given, was. But you know what was missing? Authenticity. Reality. Validity.

What I never heard anyone say was how hard life in and after recovery is. How things can be going perfectly and then all of a sudden your life gets turned upside down. I don’t believe that recovery fully begins until you can get through those hard times without resulting back to old patterns. Because, let’s be honest, anyone can be in recovery when life is great, but what happens when it isn’t? It takes a much stronger person to get up, face the hard stuff, and move on. And that’s the person I want to be.

Life is not always rainbows and butterflies. Life sucks. People die. Money runs out. Couples split up. Loved ones hurt us. We have to do things we don’t want to do because we have to. Bad things don’t stop happening just because you’re in recovery. But you know what? Without the suckage this wouldn’t be life. None of us would know joy and happiness without these things.

Don’t get me wrong, life is amazing. Great things happen all the time, even to you. But please don’t get the impression that evil takes a holiday, ever. It’s the choices you make when something bad happens in your life that counts. Those are the moments when you decide if you are going to stay in recovery or not. Those are the moments will change your life. So let them.

So, no, I didn’t get a lot out of tonight because I feel like the wrong message was being given. I feel that the hopeful message that I was looking for comes from a different set of people. The ones who can see the sunshine amidst the rain. The ones who let their choices change their lives.

For the better.